Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?
Monica: Hi, Lindsey, this is Monica and I would love your help on figuring out how to really nail down your purpose when it feels like everything you’ve done or are doing just leads you to kind of a dead end or it feels like it’s just not working.
Lindsey: Okay, let me ask you this. When you say everything has led you to a dead end and it’s just not working, my question is, do you feel like you have found your purpose and you’ve just hit a lot of failures? Or do you feel like there’s still a little bit of confusion around what you really want to be doing?
Monica: That’s a great question. I think probably I feel that my purpose is tied to the lifestyle and the type of money that I want to bring in. And when I feel like it’s not working, I’m really referring to the fact that I’m not seeing the evidence of the money. I think I’ve been on track in terms of finding my purpose, but if I were to really be honest, have I nailed it? I don’t think so.
Lindsey: Okay, so interesting because let me ask you this, when you feel like you living in your purpose is tied to the amount of money you make, how does that feel to you?
Monica: I feel like I know that there’s evidence of people around me and people I look up to who don’t necessarily have the amount of money that I think that they should for the type of purpose that they’re living in, the type of work that they’re doing in the world. So I know it’s not always congruent. But for me it’s just a lot of pressure. I feel a lot of pressure to have both, be very clear and that I feel successful in both.
Lindsey: Yeah. But think about this for a second, when you tell yourself, I’m not actually living my purpose unless I’m making money doing it to support the lifestyle that I want, how do you show up in your life when you’re not yet there, right? Whatever that number is or whatever that image is. How do you show up in your day to day life when you’re like, I can’t be living my purpose, I can’t be living the lifestyle unless I have the money?
Monica: I feel pretty exhausted and defeated and almost like on a hunt every day of like, is today going to be the day that I get clear and know what I’m supposed to be doing or get a signier sign of what I’m supposed to be on track for? And so a lot of exhaustion, a lot of probably over action and a lot of confusion.
Lindsey: I also think, and maybe I’m wrong, you could tell me your thoughts on this, but I would guess it’s a lot of waiting. Like a lot of waiting to experience the life that’s in front of you until you have that outcome.
Monica: Yes, absolutely. It’s like a placeholder until I figure it out, until it comes to me, until I feel like I’ve stepped into “my purpose” and what I’m supposed to be doing and what my gifts are.
Lindsey: What if you’re living part of your purpose right now?
Monica: I mean, it definitely can be true. It feels a little disappointing to me if that is the case, because I know I’m meant for so much bigger things, both financially but also just impact and the reach and the people I want to connect with and the community I want to build. So it feels like I’m so far away from that, but I’m open to kind of reframing and thinking of it as this is part of getting there.
Lindsey: Yes, because here’s what’s happening, is right now you’re associating living in your purpose with a result. Like an outcome that you either have or you don’t have, which means that the entire time while you’re working to create it, trying to create it, trying different things, like trying something and thinking it might be it and then like re-navigating, that entire time and you’re not hitting the goal or whatever, you do not feel like you’re living in your purpose.
Monica: Exactly.
Lindsey: And how does that go?
Monica: Typically, I start off strong, take a lot of action, and I think that’s what I’m really good at. And so I focus on just action or overdoing, overthinking, over-researching, over-consuming. And then I don’t really see a lot of results or I don’t feel like things are working and so I stop or I perseverate over something.
And I keep wondering, like, when is that going to feel like this is it? And when am I going to feel successful?
Lindsey: Yeah. And I think that part of it is you have kind of gotten the word purpose misconstrued. I mean, this is just like, I’m just saying that. Like you can decide what purpose means for you. So I think the real question is like, is this serving you?
It’s like you’re associating purpose with a result, which keeps you kind of confused because you’re like, well, if I never get the result, then am I living my purpose? When really the kind of equation would be you decide on your purpose, you go all in on it, you feel like you’re living in your purpose the whole time, and that’s going to be what helps you create the result.
Monica: No, I think that’s the first time that I’m thinking of it that way or being introduced to it that way. I think it’s always been if you don’t have the result that you’re looking for, then you’re not fully in your purpose. You’re not using your gifts.
Lindsey: Oh. And every day, like even as you get anything started with whatever your purpose is, right, there’s going to be tons of failures. There’s going to be trying things and all of that. And think about how, like you said, you feel defeated every day that you’re like, I’m not there yet. And eventually, you’ve kind of already said, it causes you to give up or stop.
Not that you’ve totally given up, right? You’re here having this conversation, you’re doing the work. But you go all in and then you go all out because you feel so defeated. And then you go back to the drawing board and then you do it all again.
Monica: Exactly. Yeah, and it keeps me in that cycle.
Lindsey: Yeah. Okay, so the way out would be choosing and deciding your purpose. And we’re going to talk about that in just a second, so I promise we’ll get there. And deciding and living, feeling like you’re living in your purpose the whole time.
So just to give you a quick example, yes, you could look at me and be like, I have the lifestyle and all that. In fact, I’m going to post an Instagram story, it’s like loading. Instagram has been weird. But I think this will land for you, so go and watch it whenever you get off. Hopefully it loads soon. But it’s like I always have new goals, too.
So from the outside, you could be like, oh, well, Lindsey is living in her purpose, she has the end goal or whatever. But it’s like I have new goals for myself. And imagine if every day I woke up even now and was like, I’m not living in my purpose because I’m not there yet, versus if I’m connected to my purpose every day. Like I know I’m living in my purpose.
And yes, I do have a goal. Once I hit that goal, I’ll have a new goal, like all of those things. But think about how differently that feels knowing I’m living in my purpose every single day as I work towards that.
Monica: That helps a lot to kind of see – And maybe that’s what I’m doing, is misconstruing the two of like a goal and an end result versus my purpose and my gift. And knowing that, I think a lot of my confidence around my purpose has been shattered and really chiseled over the last few years. And so maybe me questioning it is brought on by not having these results around me. And it’s so much easier to say that than actually living in your purpose and knowing, and it just hasn’t happened yet.
Lindsey: Yes, so good. Okay, so let me ask you this. I think there’s another kind of thing at play, too. And I don’t know if we’ll get to it today, but we’ll see. The other thing is it also sounds like you’re like, I can’t live my life the way that I want unless I have the end result, which is really what the post is going to be about today. Does that feel true?
Monica: Absolutely, 100%.
Lindsey: Which if you think about it, there’s probably a lot in front of you right now. Like you get to be 100% in charge of how you feel about your life right now, but when you’re thinking that you need a result to feel that way, it’s like every day you’re just waiting on that to experience your life. Which then just keeps pushing it further and further and further away.
Monica: Yeah, no, I would say that’s definitely accurate. And a lot of the time it feels like me finding that purpose or that next step or feeling fulfilled in what I’m meant to do in this life comes from the outside and that I’m waiting for it to happen and click in place and for it to happen to me in a lot of ways.
And I know logically that you create the life that you want. But at the same time, it’s not happening. And it leaves me in this kind of spinning cycle.
Lindsey: How do you feel about your life right now when you are like, I’ve got to get there to have the life I want?
Monica: My life right now is definitely very far from where I want to be. And so I wouldn’t say that I hate it, but I definitely don’t love my life. I think that there are so many areas that I want to nurture and grow and feel at peace and content. And so that’s what I’m, I guess, working towards. And so right now is that in-between where I’m just neutral or I feel neutral about it.
Lindsey: Yeah, whereas you could feel great about your life right now and know that you’re moving towards your purpose.
Monica: Yeah. It’s almost like a little bit of self-sabotage there because it keeps me on my toes and wanting more and doing more where I feel like I can’t reward myself because I’m not there yet. I haven’t earned it yet, you know? Like I haven’t earned that result so none of this matters because I’m in the in-between.
Lindsey: Yeah, but I’ll just give you a little bit of info. You’re going to be in the in-between for the rest of your life because you will create those results and then you will have new visions. You’ll celebrate. You’ll think it’s amazing. Trust me, I know. My brain does the same exact thing. And part of you is not going to want to believe it, but it does. And then I’m on to the next thing, right?
Versus intentionally living and experiencing your life the way that you want right now where you are. Sure, you might not be able to go on the exotic vacations, but you have access to those feelings right now. You have the ability to experience your life in a different way. But again, you’d have to believe that that’s actually going to fuel you forward rather than oftentimes our brains think that making our lives miserable and hellish means we stay hungry, when in reality it keeps you stuck in this trap.
Monica: Yes, 100%. And that’s what I’ve been subconsciously doing, I think, for the past three years.
Lindsey: Yeah, and it’s hard because it’s like your brain does not want to let go of it. It’s like, but if we could just have this outcome, so let’s just keep solving for that problem rather than what do you think would be different, Monica, if you were like my job is to create the life of my dreams where I am right now with what I have?
Monica: I would say it would feel like a challenge. Like, okay, I have to get resourceful and really like bootstrap and figure it out. And it would be like an experiment or a challenge. And I’m not 100% sure if I could do it, but it would be a new challenge that I haven’t faced and I’m willing to try it.
Lindsey: And what do you think would be different if you started focusing on the joy of your life right now with your purpose? Like how would you show up to it differently?
Monica: Definitely more certainty and confidence and just being at peace and not feeling like I have to do, be and just always consume more in order to figure it out. Like that I do have it figured out and I am just working towards refining that. So I feel like I would be a lot more at peace and just show up more confident in that and not waver in that confidence whenever things don’t work out the way that I see fit.
Lindsey: Yes, because you’re not as attached, right?
Monica: Exactly.
Lindsey: Like think about, let’s use your purpose and your end result that you want as like a lover. Think about how you treat that lover, like a partner or person when you’re like, I need you to be here for me to be happy. Rather than I’m happy and I want you to be here. That’s exactly like the difference of what you’re doing.
Monica: That’s so true, yeah.
Lindsey: You literally push them away, right? Like how does it feel? I’m like, oh God, that makes me want to run for the hills if someone is like, I need you.
Monica: Yeah, it definitely sounds icky and definitely not something that you would attract someone with. So it would do the opposite of what I’m wanting, ultimately.
Lindsey: Yes. Okay, how does it feel to see that?
Monica: It feels good. It feels good because I don’t think I ever saw how I’m contributing to the cycle in this specific context and how I can make different choices now about how I see it and that I don’t necessarily have to have it all figured out in order to feel different or see things different now and that waiting or feeling like my life is a placeholder doesn’t serve me.
Lindsey: Yes. And here’s what I’ll offer, too, is this is going to be challenging because it sounds to me like living out your purpose and the money and the lifestyle is associated in your mind with your survival. And your brain is going to be really afraid to let go of – Like it’s going to feel like you’re taking your eye off the ball to focus on something. Like why would I focus on my happiness in my life? I need to survive. When in reality, that’s actually going to be what propels you forward to that much faster.
Monica: That’s so true.
Lindsey: And it’s going to feel so much better. And that’s how you’re going to attract opportunities and people to you. So it feels very counterintuitive, but it is the way.
Monica: Now I see that. Thank you.
Lindsey: You’re welcome. Now, last question before I let you go. If you won the lottery and you never had to work a day in your life, and I think you actually maybe are in the life membership, but this is what we work on. But what I was going to say is when it comes to your purpose, if you won the lottery and you didn’t have to work, what would you want to do? And is that what you’re doing?
Monica: I would probably travel the world and serve in some non-governmental organizations and do some nonprofit work. And yeah, I would just love being a nomad. And no, that’s definitely not what I’m doing right now.
Lindsey: Okay, so interesting. So that would be the next place I would explore, because you aren’t living in your purpose because you’re telling yourself it sounds like you have to do X, Y, Z to make this money to be able to do that. When what if the answer to living in your purpose is learning and figuring out how to do that now?
Now, there might be, obviously, we have such limited time here, but that might be something to explore even further. But what if there were ways to start doing that now? And I think sometimes, especially when we’re in this kind of despair, it’s hard for us to be like, if I won the lottery I’m just going to travel the rest of my life and do nothing. But I do think eventually you’d want to do something, right?
Like you’d travel. Like you said, you’d be a part of nonprofit organizations. Like I would just explore that question. Like, are there other things you would want to do? And that’s going to be the most direct path to the life you want. And instead, right now you’re kind of going in a roundabout way.
Monica: That’s a great question and something I definitely have lots to think about. So thank you for that.
Lindsey: I love it. Well, thank you so much for calling in, Monica. I’m excited to hear how it goes.
Monica: Thank you, Lindsey.
Lindsey: You’re welcome. Talk to you soon, bye.
Monica: All right, bye.
If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.
