S1.Ep18: “Chasing my dream will cost me as a mom”

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Dee is a nurse who recently became a certified coach, coaching nurses on their wellbeing. She dreams of making a success of her coaching business. However, she’s worried that chasing this dream will cost her as a mother, so she called The Life Coach Hotline to work through this fear.

It’s normal to have stories that we can’t be successful in business while also being the kind of mom we want to be. But this is just a thought, and you get to choose what your life looks like. So, if you have a story about why you can’t have what you want, this episode is for you.

Tune in this week to discover how to see where you’re putting your dreams on hold because you’re worried about how other people will react. You’ll learn why our brains do this to us, and how to come up with creative solutions that allow you to have everything you want in your life.

The price of the Anything but Average Life Membership is increasing from $97 per month to $197 per month. Enroll before January 2, 2024, to stay at $97 per month! If you know you’re meant for more, click here.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline.

What You'll Learn on this Episode

  • How our brain tells us our circumstances are the reason we can’t have what we want.
  • Why it’s really your beliefs that are holding you back.
  • The power you have over the beliefs that are stopping you from creating success.
  • How to see where you’re putting your dreams on hold.
  • The creative solutions available to you, so you can live out your dreams while still being an amazing mom.

Featured on the Show

  • The price of the Anything but Average Life Membership is increasing from $97 per month to $197 per month. Enroll before January 2, 2024, to stay at $97 per month! If you know you’re meant for more, click here.
  • If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline.

Click to Read Episode Transcript

Hi guys, Lindsey here. I feel like I don’t get to talk to you directly as much just because of the structure of this podcast. Who knows, maybe this year along with the call-in structure I’ll pepper in some life updates and some self-coaching and things like that.

But I just wanted to pop on and wish you guys a happy holiday, a happy New Year. I hope that this year has been magical. And even if it hasn’t been, you have an opportunity at any moment to choose to create a different reality.

I wanted to make sure you guys knew that the Anything But Average Life membership investment is changing from $97 a month to $197 a month. And if you enroll in the membership before January 2nd, you will be grandfathered in at $97 a month.

The membership is for anyone who feels deep inside of them, no matter what level you’re at, that you have potential that is untapped. That you know you are meant for more in every aspect of your life. Like you are not here to settle for average and you know that you have more to give, but you feel stuck on how to change your life. You feel stuck in how to create the results that you want. You know that there’s something locked up inside of you and you want help bringing it out.

So the life membership is all about giving you the tools, the support, the coaching that you need in order to blow your mind in 2024. And just remember that if nothing changes, nothing changes. And this isn’t just a, “I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.” The reason why you’re not doing it matters. The coaching that you’re hearing on this podcast is how you create shifts to create different results.

I’ll tell you guys, I tried so hard for eight years to change my life. I worked at it and I still didn’t get the results that I wanted. The tools in this membership are the tools that I learned and everything fell into place and clicked and I started to create the things that I really wanted in my life.

There’s no community like this out in the market. There is support from me. There is coaching from me. There are 50 plus modules and videos. $97 a month is an absolute no-brainer, so is $197 a month. But I want to make sure you guys know that that change is coming.

And if you want extra business support and you want to make a commitment that is really going to require you to show up at a different level, we also have the VIP option, that’s staying at $997 for the year and you’ve got some fun bonuses.

So anyway, if you want more details, go to lindseymangocoaching.com/life and I will see you on the inside. And let’s jump into today’s episode.

Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?

Hi, Lindsey, this is Dee. I’m calling today because I am hoping to get some coaching around my business. I’m a nurse and I recently became a certified nurse coach. And I’m starting a business coaching nurses on their wellbeing. And I was a full-time nurse leader up until about five years ago when I left my job.

I have three kiddos, and my youngest, my son, was born with a really rare genetic condition and required some ongoing therapies and medical stuff. And I really couldn’t manage my full-time job as a nurse leader and be the kind of mom I wanted to be for him with my older girls and all the things.

And so I left my job and I became a nurse coach. And I’m so excited I’m starting my business now. But I think I still have this story that I can’t be successful professionally and be the kind of mom I want to be because I’ve had that clash in the past and it just didn’t work for me very well.

And so even though this is my business and I’m intentional about creating it in the way that I want, in a way that works for me and supports me, I’m still running into this belief that it’s kind of like a side thing. Or it’s kind of like, sure, you can do it a little bit, but you really aren’t going to be able to be successful because you can’t do both.

Lindsey: That’s great awareness. I think this is such a good example of where our brain thinks that circumstances are the reasons why we can’t have what we want, when really it’s the beliefs, right? Because you’re saying I changed the circumstances, and yes, that sounds like it was the best decision for your family and all of that, so there were lots of other factors. But you changed it and you still have the exact same thought.

Dee: 100%

Lindsey: I just always find that fun because as humans, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this and did this in the past and then finally I had a moment where I was like, oh, it is me. Which I think is such a profound breakthrough in itself because it actually feels like you have power, right?

You’re like, oh, okay, then that means I get to change this. Which is why you’re here, but I just want to point it out and just kind of celebrate you for that.

Dee: I appreciate you saying that. And it feels a little scary to have the power because I want to just give the power to something else.

Lindsey: Totally, I mean that’s definitely human nature too. You’re like, oh, I’d rather blame this for the reason why I can’t have what I want. So let me ask you this, why don’t you think you can be a successful professional and a great mom?

Dee: I think that I’m always worried about the day that I have big important things happening at work and one of my kids is sick, right? And my husband and I used to always have this conversation of, well, whose job is more important today? You know who’s going to stay home, who’s going to do the things?

And it ended up that I was always the one to kind of give in. And, of course, I love my kids, I want to be there for them. But I also think of my business as like my fourth kid and I want to be there for it too. But I feel like maybe I haven’t even really given birth to my business yet because I’m still just holding it inside, like not really wanting to put myself out there because I’m worried what happens? Like what happens when someone is sick and I feel like I can’t do both at the same time.

Lindsey: Well, you might not be able to. It’s possible. First of all, I’m going to argue that there’s like – I always love the thought that there’s always a way. So if truly wanting to be there for both is something you want, there’s got to be a creative solution. Now, you’ll have to let go of maybe thoughts and beliefs about how you think things have to look or are supposed to look in order to do that.

And or I think on the flip side, what if you do have an in-person thing that you have planned, let’s just say for coaching, on the same day that a kid gets sick? What, in your mind, means you’re a good mom?

Dee: I don’t know. I mean, I think in the past I’ve always been like, okay, I’m going to cancel everything and we’re just going to be home today, right? Like I show my kids that it’s okay, that I’m here for them, I got them. But that has always meant that we’re going to have to cancel the thing.

But then I think I just feel a little, I don’t want to say resentful because I love my kids, but like why did you have to get sick today?

Lindsey: I was going to say let’s be humans here, I just got over my daughter being sick the other day and I definitely had a couple hours where I was like, “Ahh, I had so much planned.” Totally.

Dee: I know.

Lindsey: Yeah, you’re a human, totally okay. So let me ask you this, what comes up when you imagine going to that event and maybe your husband is there or someone else is there for your kids?

Dee: Then I feel like I’m not being the mom I want to be or that I should be, right? That I’m not dropping everything and home with them.

Lindsey: So let’s look at the language there, right? You said the mom I should be. And this, I will say, like you’re what, three kids in? I have thought like, “I’m a coach. I’m going to nail this mom thing. Mom guilt is going to be not there.” And I’m like, oh no, it’s there. It is.

Dee: I know.

Lindsay: Right? I mean it’s just an opportunity for growth. But think about how you feel when you show up because you’re like, this is what a good mom should do.

Dee: Yeah, I think it’s this, yeah, it almost feels like it pits me against my kids, which is not what I want, right? And it doesn’t, like I don’t want to feel like I have to give up my dreams just because they chose to get sick today.

Lindsey: Of didn’t choose but still got sick.

Dee: I know, I know. Totally, I totally get that. But it is, it is frustrating. And of course, I love to be there for them. But I also at some point, like I didn’t become a mom just so that I could give up everything for my kids, right? Like, I love my kids so much and I want to be my own person doing my own things, just like I would want that for them when I think about my daughters and what kind of mom I would want them to be.

And so yeah, but it does, it feels so scary to think about putting myself out there as a coach and really trying to ramp up my business with this constant thought in the back of my head of what do I do when they’re sick and I don’t feel like I have anybody to call and I have to cancel or I have to do this other thing?

Lindsey: Totally. So I think it’s a couple things. I think it’s always making it a choice, rather than a should, because otherwise the should will always mean you’re really just guilting yourself into doing it, which will feel terrible on both sides. Like you said, you’re like, I’m there – Trust me, I get that. It’s like you’re there, but then you really want to be working on your business. So then you’re not really there, but you’re just doing the thing and it’s kind of this push pull, right?

So it’s like if you really don’t have another choice, it’s like always seeing that there is a choice and choosing to be there because you want to, not because you feel guilty and you have to.

I think on the other end of the spectrum, it’s letting go of the story. That, I think, was the biggest kind of shock to me was that, for me at least, with motherhood came a whole bunch of beliefs about what being a good mom is. And I’ve had to rewrite those for myself.

And so I think for you, this is about redefining what good mom actually means because right now it sounds to me like there’s an association between good mom and dropping everything to be there and always being there when they need me and whatever else goes along with that. I’m curious, what are your thoughts before I keep going?

Dee: I totally agree with you. And I think logically it’s exactly what I would say if someone came to me. Yeah, as a coach. Yeah, a nurse. Like if I was coaching myself five years ago, right? And I think those beliefs are just also so deep sometimes that it’s really hard to –

Lindsey: They are, yes.

Dee: Like I know that I’m choosing this, but I think what feels scary to me is that because my business is a brand new baby, I feel like, oh, of course, the brand new baby would get the attention, right?

Lindsey: Okay, let’s think about that for a second. Let’s go there. You have three kids, I’ll probably come back and listen to this episode when I have another kid because I’ll be like, “Oh, I need to listen to that.” But how does it feel, when you have a baby and then one of them is a little bit older, how does it feel when you give the new baby attention? I’m just curious. Was it the same guilt? Or what was the thought process about you being a good mom in that scenario?

Dee: When my second daughter was born and my older daughter was two and a half, and there was definitely some sibling rivalry and some stuff there. But it was like I wasn’t worried about it because this is just what we do, right? Like I’m going to help you, my older daughter, figure this out because I don’t really have any guilt around taking care of this new baby, right? I don’t feel guilty. I don’t know why.

Lindsey: Well, what’s your thought about the baby and what’s your thought about the sibling?

Dee: I can do both. Like I can love both of you and not have to choose.

Lindsey: And while you might be choosing your time, right, like you literally might be nursing or whatever you’re doing with your baby and you have to be like, I can’t be with you right now. But what’s different is your brain is like, I’m still loving you both equally, it just looks different.

Dee: Yeah, totally. I didn’t have any guilt around it. Like I didn’t have guilt that I had a second baby. I was excited. I was like, oh my gosh, I just made you a sister. This is so fun. This is going to be so fun.

Lindsey: Okay. Okay, how could you have those exact same thoughts about your business, like to your whole family? Like, I just made you guys a sister?

Dee: Oh, I love it. I mean, I love it because I think, like when I think about my business and why I’m doing this, number one, I want to help all the nurses out there because there is so much happening right now and I know that they need it.

And I also want to create something that gives back and supports my family, right? Like financially I would love to be able to – Like I gave up a six-figure salary to stay home full-time with my kids. And now I would love to get that back and to do it in a different way that didn’t feel so sacrificial.

And so to be able to give that to them and say, hey, actually, we opened up a lot of possibilities now because we can do different things that we weren’t really able to do or didn’t prioritize in the past because we felt like we couldn’t afford it or whatever, right? Whatever the thing was. So creating a sister that just loves them and takes care of them feels really fun.

I love that. That feels like a really fun way to think about it because then it’s not taking away from anything, right?

Lindsey: It’s adding.

Dee: There is nothing taken away from anything, it’s adding. Totally.

Lindsay: And this is like, I’m taking notes for myself too because I think seeing it as like – I think this is a question I want you to answer here and also sit with, how could loving on your business and loving you and prioritizing that, equal loving them? Like adding love to them.

Dee: Yeah. I mean, well, I think personally I’ve seen just in myself the transformation from me five years ago feeling resentful and traumatized and all the things and leaving my job in this really unpleasant way. I felt horrible about it. And so I think I still am holding on to some of that resentment.

And then being able to turn that into something that, no, this doesn’t take anything away from you, right? This doesn’t feel like the constant feeling like I had to choose between my family because I did have to choose between my family and my work, right? My work was so inflexible and that was the whole reason that I couldn’t do both. And to now be able to decide this is what it’s going to look like and I’m choosing how I’m going to raise this little sister of yours that’s going to take care of everybody.

And it doesn’t feel sacrificial, it feels like love. It feels like empowering and loving and we’re just making this. Yeah, and we’re doing it together because you have an interest in, I mean, this is my business but I can’t do it without your support. So we’re all kind of doing it together.

Lindsey: Yes. And I think the other thing is, a lot of times we like to – I know for myself, too, my brain will go to like time equals love. When it’s like we could actually change that story completely. Like maybe you do actually spend less time with them, but maybe when you’re with them, you feel so much more joyful and like yourself and like you’re loving on yourself and this other baby that’s really important to you, that’s a part of your mission.

So the quality of time you spend is better. And that equals love. And something that helps me is to think about like a grandparent or someone in your life that definitely doesn’t spend the amount of time you spend with your kids, right? But they have a really awesome relationship and they feel super loved. And they spend way less time, so what creates that?

Dee: Yeah, I think it’s just that focused time and attention, right? And that we’re kind of all in at this moment. I’m not worried about other things right now, I’m focused on you, right? I mean, I think about my kids’ grandparents, they’re all in on them. They’re focused on them. They are. There’s nothing else that’s distracting them, which is what’s so fun about it.

Lindsey: Yes. And they’re having fun, too. I was just thinking because sometimes I agree, as a mom it can feel like – And I’ve got one so, I can only imagine when more come along. But it can feel like when you’re spending time and you’re like I have to be here or whatever, rather than you’ve gone on a vacation and then you come back and you’re like, “Oh my God, I can’t wait to see them and spend time.”

It’s like what if your time with them felt like that all of the time? And it’s like the intention of that, the knowing that you’re going to be able to refuel your own battery and take a step away makes the time you do spend with them feel so good and light and fun and loving. And that’s going to be the magic. It has nothing to do with spending eight hours a day sitting there and also being like, okay, I can’t stare at these blocks any longer, right?

Dee: Totally.

Lindsey: It’s like that is it. That’s the juice.

Dee: I totally agree. And I think that is how I would want to spend, because I also don’t want to spend – I think I still have a little bit of that mentality of time also equals money. So in my business I feel like I have to work 100 hours to be able to be successful, but I don’t.

And if I can get to where I’m super focused and quality time in my business, and then super focused and quality time with my family, then I feel like everything will feel more quality, right? Like everything will feel better and not feel like I’m sacrificing because I only have so much time and attention. So not feeling like I’m sacrificing myself so much, either.

Lindsey: Yes, well, you have to think about it, right? Let’s flip the equation now. If you’re doing that with your business, like it’s a baby, then you’ll also feel resentful and terrible, like all the same things. So it’s just kind of fun to think about like you get to, you’ve already said that, but really use that. And that’s definitely a belief you’ll get to work on because when you think time is money, you’re just going to have to give more and more and more, right?

Dee: Totally, totally. Yes, I’m also working on that at the same time.

Lindsey: Yes, 100%. Well, again, I know I’m coaching you right now, but for those of you guys listening, that is something we definitely do in the money mindset module of the life membership. So it is a huge transition because when you think time is money, you just think you have to give more in order to have what you want, when really just like the relationship with your kids, right?

Like having that quality time and same thing with business or same thing with creating any money is what is going to create more love, more abundance, more money, all of that. And that’s where the fun zone is, right? It’s like then you get to work some hours and make tons of money and have the right amount of time with your kids that feels really good. And have it feel like fueling you forward, rather than draining you.

Dee: Yes, that is my dream. That is absolutely the goal, 100%.

Lindsey: So good. I love it. Well, thank you so much for calling in. I know so many people, I know myself included, as moms are going to get value out of this. I was like jotting notes down. So I really, really appreciate it and I am excited to see what you do with it.

Dee: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, I appreciate you.

Lindsey: Yeah, of course. Awesome, I’ll talk to you soon. Keep me updated.

Dee: Okay, sounds good, Lindsey. Thank you.

Lindsey: Bye.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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