Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey, your life coach, how can I help you?
Amber: Hi, Lindsey. I’m Amber, and today I wanted coaching on an ex that I had who I thought was perfect, but he lived in another state. So we ended up not continuing things. And I recently decided to recommit to dating and getting back out there, but I’ve been having a hard time believing that I’m going to find someone as good as him and as attractive as him.
And when I’m going on these dates, I’m starting to feel impatient and I’m comparing all the guys to him. And I kind of feel like I’m looking just for him again, and not keeping my mind open to any other possibilities.
Lindsey: Okay, perfect. Can I ask you something really quick? It might be totally irrelevant, but I’m just curious.
Amber: Yeah.
Lindsey: If you find your soulmate, I don’t know if you believe in that. But if you find your soulmate and they lived in another state, what would you want to do? Would it be this?
Amber: I would do it. And that’s the thing, I was willing to go the long distance and try it, but he wasn’t. He had gotten out of a long term relationship before that and he was just kind of wanting to be single and do his own thing in his own state.
Lindsey: Got it.
Amber: So I would be okay with it, but he wasn’t.
Lindsey: Okay. And so even if you had, again, this might not even be a thing, but like even if you had moved there, he still wanted that time to himself. Is that correct?
Amber: Yes.
Lindsey: Okay, perfect. Very clear. I just like to question because you never know, right? I’m like, maybe that was the breakthrough. Like, okay, wait, maybe I am actually. Okay, perfect. Okay, so do you feel like you’ve mourned that relationship?
Amber: I think so. Maybe I do need a little bit more time. I think I’ve given myself time to mourn and I’ve cried and I’ve processed it and I’ve journaled it. And I feel good moving on, but I think I don’t want as many thoughts of him while I’m going through the dating process moving forward.
Lindsey: Perfect. And the thing I want to offer too, is I don’t necessarily think mourning is a thing that you have to, like necessarily a chapter where you’re like, okay, we mourn here. And now we’re done and then we date. Like that you can’t date during that time. So it was just something I wanted to get clear on. Like, if you feel like you’re allowing those emotions to pop up and processing them and not making a problem.
Okay, so what happens when those thoughts do pop up? Like when you do date somebody, or you go on whatever, like start talking to somebody on an app or whatever?
Amber: Yeah, I just keep thinking none of these guys are as good as him. Like they would maybe do, but I feel like I wouldn’t be settling. And I feel like I haven’t seen anyone on the dating apps or gone on any dates yet that have really stood out to me.
Lindsey: Okay.
Amber: So as I’m going through the dating process, I’m just feeling pretty hopeless because I’m like, there’s no one out there who is going to be like him.
Lindsey: Okay, that’s the thought. There’s no one out there that’s going to be like him.
Amber: Yeah.
Lindsey: What happens when you tell yourself that?
Amber: Well, I stay hung up on him.
Lindsey: Okay.
Amber: And I’m comparing other people to him and it feels like no one is good enough for me.
Lindsey: Okay. What does that look like when you’re out and about if that’s kind of the underlying sentence in your mind?
Amber: I feel like then I might not be showing up as present on these dates. Or I know the first date I went on, I was getting a little clingy because I was like, I just want you to be the one and be done with it. I just want it to be over, I don’t want to have to go out and date more. So I think I show up a little bit kind of clingier or just wanting the process to be over.
Lindsey: Okay.
Amber: I’m not really showing up as I would like, as present as I want to be there.
Lindsey: Why do you think you want the process to be over?
Amber: Because it takes time and effort to go out and date and I want to be there with a boyfriend already and done dating so I don’t have to spend that time and effort doing that and can just spend that time enjoying my person or other aspects of my life.
Lindsey: Okay, what if you could already do that right now?
Amber: I could, and I do enjoy a lot of my life. I guess it’s just sometimes I feel like when I’m spending less time dating, it’s time I wish I kind of were doing something else. It almost feels like a chore for me. Like if I want to find my person, I have to go out and date. And so this is something I have to do every week now.
Lindsey: Oh, that sounds terrible.
Amber: Yeah. I want the person without the work.
Lindsey: Well, I also think that you can find the person without the work, and the work might be different. Does that make sense? So, first of all, people don’t necessarily, and I think there’s an opportunity on the other side here. But people don’t necessarily go on dates with tons of people and find their person.
Like some people run into them somewhere at a coffee shop or at a bookstore or whatever. There’s not just one cut and dry process, like you have to go through this, you have to date all these people and then that’s how you get this result. There’s a million ways to create that result.
But it feels kind of like you’re like, well, I just have to do this process. Like, I have to do this to find my person and on and on and on, which think about how that feels when you tell yourself that.
Amber: Yeah, and I guess I’m separating, like dating is like its own aspect and not like, I could be finding someone just doing my day to day life. When I’m going to concerts with friends or I’m out, it could be a part of it and not always a separate thing, I guess.
Lindsey: Yeah. How would that feel differently if it was just something that you do sometimes when you want to?
Amber: It would feel a lot easier, for sure.
Lindsey: Okay.
Amber: I guess my hesitation is I feel like if I’m meeting someone out in the real world in person just in my day to day life, I’d be too scared to talk to them, or the odds of that would be so low that I can’t just rely on that.
Lindsey: And I’m guessing that goes back to the idea that you aren’t sure if anyone is out there, like someone as good or better is out there.
Amber: Yeah, I think there’s this person, if I want to find this other person, this new one, it’s like if they’re out there, there’s only like one or two of them. So they’re going to be really hard to find.
Lindsey: And you’re like, better get to work. Got to roll up these sleeves.
Amber: Yeah, a lot of people to get through.
Lindsey: Yeah, which isn’t true at all. But what I want to show you is that it all goes back to the thought like, there’s no one out there, there’s like minimal people out there. And then that kind of drives forward all of the behaviors, going on the dates – Go ahead.
Amber: I feel like I’m pretty picky, too. And I think that might be a part of it. I can see logically there are lots of people out there who could possibly be good candidates.
Lindsey: Okay.
Amber: But I just feel like I’m being extra picky. And I want to be picky because I think it’s important to be picky about who you’re spending your time with. But I also think that because I’m really picky, it’s going to make it even harder.
Lindsey: What if it actually doesn’t? What if it makes it easier? How could that be true?
Amber: Yeah, I guess when I’m pickier, then the person who I do end up dating or spending more time with is less likely to have a fallout with or it not workout. So I guess it’s like me being picky right now could actually save me a ton of time and effort in the future from having to be with someone that actually isn’t a good fit.
Lindsey: How does it feel to see it like that?
Amber: That definitely feels better because I guess I’m thinking about where I am right now there’s just so much work. And if it was less work, it would give me the same result and I would just find my person right away. But I think because I’m picky and because it might take a little bit of work, then whatever person comes out of it is probably going to be a really good fit.
And I’d rather have that than just trying to settle with one of the other guys, and then waste a few months and then be back at square one.
Lindsey: Yeah, think about it like this, if I am – I’m just trying to use this, this doesn’t make quite sense for this example. But if I’m a person who’s like, I love volleyball, I want to hang out with volleyball players. And then someone else is like, I love soccer, I want to hang out with soccer players. That doesn’t make it harder, it just makes the chips fall –
I don’t mean with dating necessarily, but if we’re in a group of people and I stand up and I’m like, again, you’re going to yell in an intercom, “I’m interested in this, this and this.” But like, I’m interested in volleyball, I want to hang out with people who are interested in volleyball, it’s like a magnet for all the people who are interested in that, right? And then it cuts out all the other people, and same thing with soccer.
Silly example, but it’s like you could almost look at it as like you’re just – And maybe we change the word picky, depending on how that feels to you, but like change it to I just am clear. I’m clear on what I want. So when I’m clear, I’m more of a magnet to the thing that I want and I repel the thing that I don’t want, which makes it so it can even happen faster versus being totally confused and being like I’ll settle for anything and you get all these wishy-washy people who aren’t even close to matching.
Amber: Right. Yeah, I like that word clear a lot better because picky kind of sounds like there’s some shame attached to it. Like I shouldn’t be this picky. But just yeah, very clear about what I want sounds like something that’s great and something that I should definitely be.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Amber: I should be clear.
Lindsey: Yes, that’s so true. Picky feels like it’s got an apologetic vibe. Like, I’m just picky, I’m sorry. Rather than, I’m just clear and I’m empowered. Of course, I’m clear. I’m worthy of an amazing man who shows up this way, who is this type of person. Like, I’m a boss.
Amber: Yeah. And I guess I’m looking at the dating as like, I’m looking at everyone who plays every type of sport, when I want to be playing volleyball. And I’m like, wow, this is so overwhelming, there’s so many people to get through. And really I’m just looking for the people who are playing volleyball.
Lindsey: Yeah, and you’re looking at it as like this whole thing. I’ve got to go on all these dates and do all this stuff. Instead of like, what a fun experience, I get to meet new people.
Amber: Yeah.
Lindsey: And also, the thought I had earlier when you were telling yourself that he, obviously, it sounds like he set the bar high in a really amazing way. And then you’re looking at it as like, oh no, he’s made it really hard because I’m always comparing everyone to him. Instead of being like, oh man, this guy opened up an opportunity or a possibility for me I didn’t even know existed. I’m so grateful. Now I get to meet more men who are like that.
Amber: Yeah. Yeah, I love that shift because it’s true. I feel like he was one of the best people I’ve been with. And so to think that, like, wow, if that man was really interested in me, what else is possible? And I agree that because I had that experience, it did show me and kind of helped me build this belief that, yeah, I can have someone amazing like that. And they won’t –
Because sometimes I think too like, oh, if I found another man like him that was so amazing, he probably wouldn’t like me anyways. It’s like, well if he did, why wouldn’t someone else?
Lindsey: Yeah, what a gift. And why are you telling yourself that they wouldn’t like you?
Amber: Right, it’s super unhelpful.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Amber: I guess because everyone’s had some experiences with rejection before where there was someone they really liked and then they didn’t like them back. So I’m like, oh, that’s what’s going to happen. The one person I find that I like, they’re probably not going to like me back. And I think I’m using the 10 times that maybe that might have happened and not looking at also, though, that it has happened where I’ve liked someone and they’ve liked me back and it’s been great. Like, I still have that.
Lindsey: Yes. And seeing all those guys from the perspective of, obviously, they’re not my person, because my person will be obsessed with me and adore me. So they’re just not my person, even if I thought they could be. So I’m just one step closer. And they’re just showing me, there’s like more evidence that there’s more matches out there, rather than evidence that this just means you’re never going to find anyone like him.
Amber: Right. Yeah, I’m just stepping forward still and not going back.
Lindsey: Yeah. How does it feel to think about it like that?
Amber: It feels a lot easier and also more empowered that, yeah, I am going to have to find a specific person because I have clear desires. But I’m going to find them and it’s going to be a lot easier to find them if I’m not hating the process the whole time and resenting it. It’s like just show up and it might be a little effort, but the effort is moving me inch by inch closer to where I want to be.
Lindsey: And when you enjoy the effort, then it doesn’t feel like a problem.
Amber: Right.
Lindsey: Right? I actually teach this in the life membership in the single and dating part where you get to create and romanticize your own experience of that. And it’s like a story I used to tell myself when I was dating. I always imagined if I was in a movie and this was the scenes where the girl is dating and out living life and single and all that. I’m like, this guy could be interested and the potential fun and curiosity of going out on dates and meeting new people and a little bit of the exciting drama that might happen.
That is like the picture that I painted in my mind about dating. And it was such a fun experience. Like I look back on it, I have funny stories to tell. I’m like, oh, that was like my dating chapter of my life. You’ll never believe what happened here, it’s so crazy. And all of it was just like leading me to where I am now, to finding my now husband. But it’s like that’s the story I told myself. It was so fun.
Amber: Yeah. I think I’ll need to work up to it’s so fun.
Lindsey: That’s fine.
Amber: But like, okay, it could be fun. Like it was fun for some people, maybe it can be fun for me too. I can find the fun in it.
Lindsey: Well, and it’s way more fun when you’re not telling yourself there’s no, obviously, there’s way more of a rush when you’re thinking like, there’s probably no one out there and you’re like, hopefully there is. And you’re trying to prove to yourself that there is, so you’re, again, going on all these dates. And then your brain is like, well, here’s more evidence that it’s not.
It becomes this whole thing, like you’re trying to fight to believe that that’s possible, rather than dancing through life like, oh gosh, there’s how many people in this world?
There are definitely lots of amazing men in the world. Some that are probably like, for sure, here’s what I’ll offer. I’ll just gift you this thought. One day you’re going to meet your man and you’re going to look back and you’re going to be like, “I thought that guy was amazing?”
Amber: Right.
Lindsey: Because they’re going to blow your mind so much.
Amber: Yeah, that’s a really fun thought to think about.
Lindsey: And then dating with that energy.
Amber: Yeah, it feels a lot more exciting and hopeful. And yeah, I can see how that could be fun then. It’s like, I’m just meeting so many fun, cool men along the way and who knows when the next one will be one that’s such a great fit.
Lindsey: And when you have this energy, you’ll probably say no to people who you’re actually not interested in.
Amber: Yeah, well I went on a date with this guy last week and I was like, I just don’t really think I’m into him. But I was like, well, I really should give him another chance to go on a second date. But I’m like, I really don’t want to go on a second date.
And so I actually told myself, I was like after I get coached today, I’m going to decide whether I’m going to text him or not. And I think I’m going to decide not to because I’m really not excited about it. And I think my person, I would be at least wanting a second date.
Lindsey: And that’s what would make this process not fun, right? Like making yourself go out on dates with people that you don’t want to spend time with.
Amber: Yeah.
Lindsey: That sounds terrible.
Amber: Yeah, I think I just need to decide. Like, I guess there’s the shoulds of dating, like I should be giving them a second chance if they seem like they have some potential. But I also think that does make it not fun. So it’s like just allowing myself to only do what I feel excited about and what does sound fun.
Lindsey: What if that was your only rule of dating?
Amber: Yeah, I would love that rule, I only do what’s exciting and fun.
Lindsey: How does that feel?
Amber: That makes me ready to go on any date this weekend and go after it. And doing it in the way that I want to, which is like the whole point of doing this. I’m not doing it just to meet a checklist of rules about how you’re supposed to date in the world.
Because I do want to have fun with it, and I know that it might not be the next person I meet and I might have to do this for a while longer. But it feels like I’m doing it, and every time I do it, if I’m doing the things that feel fun and exciting, then it doesn’t feel so much like a chore.
Lindsey: Yeah, you’re not going to be like, can’t wait for this process to be over. Imagine going on a date with someone else who had that thought process too.
Amber: Yeah, not so fun.
Lindsey: Yeah, here’s the last thing I’ll offer. Because your brain, you have a human brain, right? It has had this story, I feel like you’ve made like a huge 180 shift just with this conversation. But your brain is going to want to see, like you go on a date with a guy who’s not a good fit, it’s going to want to see that as evidence to support the old story. Like no one is out there, no one is going to be as good as him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And so I want your job to be that every piece of evidence you get, you use it to prove true that there’s lots of guys out there and that you’re of course going to find a person who’s even better than this guy you dated before.
Amber: Yeah, totally. Because every time I’m like, well, I’ve been on four dates now and none of them have been him. So there’s clearly no one like him out there.
Lindsey: Exactly, your brain is like, here’s evidence, yeah. Instead of being like, well, I really liked this about this guy. He didn’t have all the other things, but he showed me that this was a possibility. Like, ooh, more evidence that there’s even more amazing guys out there. Or, ooh, this guy showed me what I really didn’t want, but it’s more evidence that I’m eliminating the guys and I’m clearer than ever on what I want. So I’ve never been closer to who I want.
Amber: Yeah, I love that.
Lindsey: This is so fun. I’m like, can I watch? I want to come along. This is like, what a fun experience.
Amber: Yeah, and I guess if I had that thought, too, like people are looking at me and thinking how much fun I’m having. Like, wow, maybe it really is fun.
Lindsey: Yes. And then one day, you’re going to randomly show up somewhere, at a concert doing something you’re passionate about, you’re going to have this light, amazing feeling also being like, possibilities are endless. Who knows, I can meet my guy anywhere, but without the attachment of like, I’ve got to find him. He’s going to see you across the room and be like, oh, that girl’s energy, I have to talk to her.
Amber: And you know what’s funny? My ex, the guy I was with, I met him at a concert. And I feel like when I was in the headspace then I was very much like, oh, whatever. If I keep talking to him, no big deal. Otherwise no big deal, I’ll find someone else. Like it was very unattached. Very much just like this isn’t hard, I need to find someone.
So thinking about that’s how I created this guy and found him, so it’s like that’s the energy I want to be in moving forward.
Lindsey: So good. I love it. So good, Amber. Thank you so much for calling in. I think so many people are going to get value because I know there’s lots of heavy stories and thoughts about dating and I think this is just going to offer such a fun kind of twist.
Amber: Yeah, thank you so much. I appreciate it.
Lindsey: Yeah, you’re welcome. Awesome. Give me an update, I can’t wait. I feel like you’re going to message me and be like, “Oh my gosh, you’re going to never believe this.” I want to hear about it.
Amber: Will do.
Lindsey: Awesome, I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks, Amber.
Amber: Bye.
Lindsey: Bye. If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.
