Lindsey: Hello, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline podcast. My name is Lindsey, I’m your life coach. How can I help you?
Candace: Hi, Lindsey. My name is Candace and I am, I still say I’m a new mom even though my daughter is almost 18 months. I don’t know when you transition out of a new mom.
Lindsey: No, I literally told someone yesterday, I was like, “I think I’m going to be calling myself a new mom when Eva is like 16.”
Candace: Yeah, it’s like, I don’t know, which is kind of the whole point of me calling in. I am struggling with this identity shift into motherhood. And I’m also pregnant again, which I think probably has something to do with the way I’ve been feeling.
I just don’t feel like my body is my own. I don’t feel like my life is my own. I feel like, what I keep saying to my husband is I don’t feel like I’m the main character of my life anymore. God, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.
Lindsey: I’m tearing up with you, so it’s okay.
Candace: It’s just such a crazy shift to go into motherhood and to go from someone who was super career driven, and I was the person who’s like an overachiever. I’m a perfectionist, like I’ve always like had it all together and been super positive and optimistic. And there’s just this weird shift into motherhood where yourself is not your priority anymore. And your priorities shift, your wants out of life shift. And I feel a little stuck.
Like I’m not really sure what makes me happy anymore. I know that I have to work, like I don’t have the option not to work. My husband and I make about the same amount of money and we need both incomes.
And also I like to work generally. It makes me feel like myself. It makes me feel purposeful, I guess. I don’t know. But I do know that the way I have been working for the past two years doesn’t fulfill me or suit me anymore, if that makes sense.
Lindsey: First of all, I just want to, like my heart just goes out to you. I think so many new – I mean, I’m like, oh, I can relate to this so deeply. And just I want to honor you and celebrate you for just even being honest with yourself. Because I think that can be a really hard thing to admit sometimes. And just like, yeah, just like being here and navigating all of this. Like it’s freaking hard.
Candace: Yeah, thank you. It is, it’s so hard.
Lindsey: You’re welcome. My first question is – Well, here’s what I’ll offer first. I think the answer is probably somewhere in between, right? Like you said something kind of interesting, you’re like, I’m not my priority anymore. And I think that that’s something that we’re going to want to question a whole lot. And I also understand as a new mom too. Mine is almost 18 months, I’m still a new mom.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: I think it’s an and conversation. But I think my first question is, do you feel like you’ve mourned the life that you had or the way things used to be?
Candace: That’s a good question. I think that I am just going through that process now maybe. I think I had this idea of motherhood, and to get into it I felt like I was going to have a baby, I was going to go through that postpartum phase, and that would be hard. And then I would come back to being the same person I was.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Candace: And so I think maybe part of this time I’m going through, I don’t even know what you call it, but is me coming to terms that I’m not the same person anymore.
Lindsey: Yeah. How does that feel?
Candace: Scary. I feel like I’ve always been someone who’s really self-assured and has known themselves, like since I was in college and high school. I’ve always been that person that’s like, I know who I am. I’m really confident. I know I can achieve amazing things. And I still know that. I still know I can achieve amazing things, but I just feel like I don’t know myself as well as I did.
Lindsey: Yeah. Well of course you don’t. You have a completely different life. And I can totally like – This isn’t even coach me, this is just human me. I can just connect because I think sometimes, especially as a high achieving woman we – I know I did this. I’m like, yeah, we’re going to, same thing, do the mom thing and then we have our career. And it’s just like we’re going to get into a rhythm.
And then I’m like, oh, no, this is really fucking hard. This is like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And doing it all together, right, like business and kids, all of it. And I’m like, wow, okay. So I can connect and relate to you on that. But I think that, like you said, the piece of this that you haven’t really spent time doing is like grieving and accepting and allowing these feelings to be there and this mourning process to happen.
Candace: Yeah. I think, and this probably goes into what I feel like you’re going to tell me with the priority thing. It’s like I need to create some space in my life where I can do that, and in a constructive way, too.
I think me really sitting down with myself and figuring out what I want and what makes me happy. I feel like I’m struggling for time in my own life. So that definitely has something to do with it. But part of it is just I haven’t been making myself a priority.
Lindsey: Yeah. Why do you think that is?
Candace: I don’t know. I think it’s really hard as a mom and a wife and all the things. I think it’s funny, like we grew up watching our moms. Like I grew up watching my mom put herself last. And as women we’re kind of taught and modeled, like we’ve seen it modeled our whole life that our families come first.
Like once you become a mom, like I saw a TikTok recently that talked about, it was a woman who had gone to a bunch of funerals recently for older women. Which, okay, there’s a point to this, I promise. But she had gone to a bunch of funerals recently for older women. And they talked about, she talked about the eulogies that these family members, particularly men, said at the funerals.
And it was basically all about how these women did everything for everyone else. They did everything for their families. And not a single mention of that woman’s career, or her hobbies, or her interests. And I think there’s this idea that I grew up seeing in my own mom that we come last.
And before I had a baby, I came first. And that was something I prided myself on. And I think it’s not only accepting that the old me doesn’t exist anymore, but it’s part of breaking that idea that I have to come last. I feel like I’m just having this breakthrough truly on this call, like I don’t have to come last.
Lindsey: This is why, yeah.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: Yes. How does it feel to see that?
Candace: It feels empowering. A little scary still, but empowering. Like I deserve the space and time, I deserve to feel in control of parts of my life.
Lindsey: Yes. What comes up when you think about actually implementing that?
Candace: I’m such a structured person normally, that immediately where my head goes is like, okay, logistically, where does that fit in? How does that fit into my schedule? How does that fit in with my husband’s schedule? Like I’m already thinking about the logistics of it. Which I feel like is part of the reason I default back to like, I’ll worry about everyone else first, because the logistics are difficult.
You know what I mean? I have a tendency to immediately fall back into looking at everyone else’s schedule before I look at my own needs or my own wants.
Lindsey: Yeah. Let me ask you this, what would happen if your daughter was – You have a daughter, right?
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: If she was sick or she needed something, would you be like, “Logistics, how do we make this happen?”
Candace: No, you’re right. If she’s sick and she needs to sleep longer and throws off her schedule, she needs to sleep. It’s all about what she needs to get better and what she needs to thrive, yeah.
Lindsey: How does it feel to see yourself like that?
Candace: Yeah, it feels good.
Lindsey: Like, that is the most important thing you do.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: Do you feel that?
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: So what will that look like, like today?
Candace: I think it looks like sitting down and I think I need to do some reflection and journaling about the grieving process we talked about. I don’t think I’ve let myself fully process that. But I think it also, and part of that journaling for me is just making a list of things that make me feel good and that make me feel like myself, that make me feel like I’m the priority.
And logistically, again, the logistics, oh my God. But really talking to the people in my life, you know, my husband, my mom watches my daughter full-time so she’s definitely a part of this. But like reworking my life to fit in those things that make me feel good. And understanding that if other things have to change or if other people, if that pushes other people’s –
I don’t even want to say boundaries because that’s not the right word. But I mean if it means my husband has to watch Alice a little bit longer, then that’s that. I deserve to have the time also.
Lindsey: Yes, that’s so good.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: I want to tell you a quick story that I think might be helpful here too. And I just want to offer something else that it’s just me intuitively knowing and just also having a very similar experience.
So we have a nanny that comes three days a week. And I was realizing everything was really rushed and I wasn’t feeling like there was space for, you know, the same kind of situation. And I realized, I was like, you know what? If I could hand pick my ideal situation and to thrive and to feel so good, I would have another day. We would have another day.
And I had lots of drama about it. I was like, I created this business and this life so that I could spend time with my kids and my daughter, and now I’m choosing not to. I was like, what is wrong with you? And I had definitely had all these thoughts about it.
And then it just clicked in and I spent lots of time coaching on it and thinking about it like I cannot show up for her, for my family, for myself, for my business, all of the things, the way that I want to unless I’m feeling taken care of. And if I need one more day to do that, what a gift that is to my daughter.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: And I think sometimes, I think going back to what you said earlier, sometimes I joke with my husband Chris because he is like the most present father. And I’m like, Chris, do you – And you can tell me, maybe this doesn’t relate at all. Maybe I’m just projecting my own thing onto you.
But I’m like, do you ever have the thought like I could have done better today? Like I could have been more present, could have been, you know, kind of the mom guilt situation. He’s like, never. And I’m like, well, it makes so much sense, right?
Our fathers, or whether you have one or not, right? We grew up watching our moms sacrifice everything and be there at all times. So we can often feel like we’re falling short because it’s like, well, she was there all the time. But I’m like, but dads who aren’t even remotely present, or like my dad was barely around. So I’m crushing it comparatively.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: And so I think that can also be a huge piece of it, is really believing you’re crushing it when you’re taking time away from your family. Really celebrating how you are showing up, what you are doing, rather than any of the places that you might be falling short subconsciously in comparison to your mom or that generation.
Candace: Yeah. You also said something that is something I’m lacking right now, which is because I haven’t been taking care of myself, I notice moments with my daughter where I’m not as present. And it’s because I’m exhausted or I haven’t even eaten today or whatever. And it’s like I can’t even be as present as I want to be because I haven’t taken care of myself.
And I think I could be a better mom, or a better person, a better partner, a better employee, a better whatever if I start to take care of myself and make the time to do that.
Lindsey: Yes. A thought that’s really useful for me is I’m like, this is for her.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: Like this is for them. And be selfish about it too, like this is for me. But also knowing this is for me and this is for everyone.
Candace: Yeah. Yeah.
Lindsey: How do you feel now?
Candace: Good. Can I ask you a question?
Lindsey: Yeah, of course.
Candace: How did you, like, did you have to ask Chris for that time? Or did he just innately know that that was what you needed? I feel like that’s something that I struggle with. My husband, he just knows I’m going to pick up the slack. And maybe I could do a better job at communicating that like, hey, I need you to do this because I’m going to take the time to do X, Y and Z. I feel like he definitely sometimes falls into that standard dad box of like, oh, mom’s going to do it.
Lindsey: Yeah. So I think it’s probably a combination. I think Chris maybe is just a little different in that way. But also it took me communicating it as well. Like I always like the thought, and I think that’s important for everyone listening as well. You’re like, well, I don’t have a husband like Chris who is doing all this.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: But I think what’s important is to think about it from the standpoint of like we teach people how to treat us.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: And we train people how to treat us. And I’m not saying we’re like training our husbands, but what I’m saying is in a way that it’s like –
Candace: Well, we have to sometimes.
Lindsey: Yes. Well if you are always picking up the slack, if you’re always taking over the things, you’re teaching them that they don’t have to. And it’s not that they don’t love you and care, they just don’t even notice. Just like I always joke – I’m not comparing husbands to dogs. But I’m like, if you put your dog’s food in the same spot every day, if all of a sudden you’re like, wait a minute, why aren’t you coming over here? It’s like, they didn’t know to.
And so it also does require me to communicate. I always kind of laugh thinking like, do husbands typically, are they like, “Hey, I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick. Can you keep an eye?” I’m like, no, they just leave, right?
Candace: Oh my gosh, I say that all the time, yeah.
Lindsey: Right? And so it’s a practice of honoring yourself and communicating those needs and saying like, I need to leave. Or like every Friday morning I’m not going to be here for the first couple hours of the day.
So I 100% have to communicate it. I’m very grateful to have a husband who also very much is respectful of that and is like, okay, absolutely. Where can I pick up? But I will also say I’m so committed to it that even if he didn’t, I would find a way to create it.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: So I’m curious, does any discomfort come up when you imagine communicating it? Or is it more just the awareness?
Candace: No, I think he would be receptive. And we’ve had conversations recently or in the past four months, I would say, about me taking time for myself. Because especially, like I said, I’m 14 weeks pregnant. So it’s only going to get harder with two kids unless I start to lay that groundwork now and restructure my life before this new baby gets here.
So we’ve had conversations about it, so I think he would be receptive. I think, really, it still comes back to me. I think I need to be clear. My husband is very structured as well. He’s a former almost Olympic athlete, like he’s very structured. And he does best when I come to him with clear instructions. I have to talk to him sometimes like, I’m like, you know, it’s whatever.
But so, I think I just want to get really clear with myself about what does this look like for me and how? And just communicate that clearly. Because I think if I come to him like, “Hey, I need some time for myself, but is that okay?” I don’t think that’s going to give me the results I need.
Lindsey: Yes. So here’s what I’m going to follow this up with.
Candace: Okay.
Lindsey: Because this is also something, if you’re always waiting until you’re like, “I need time,” right, is that your dream life?
Candace: No. No.
Lindsey: So this is a challenge because it can feel like a lot of times we wait until it’s like you need it and you’re burnt out and you can’t take it anymore. And so the thing that I want to ask you is, what would be your dream scenario? Like if you were to paint a picture of a week and you could have whatever time you wanted for yourself, for your work, for your daughter, what would that look like? What would you want that to look like?
Candace: I think in a dream, it’s funny because you’ve put out reels or something I’ve seen of yours where it’s like if you could wave a magic wand about your life, what would it look like? And that has been, I’m not kidding, like reverberating in my head for a couple of weeks now. I need to think about what that looks like.
But I definitely, like I said, my mom watches Alice during the day. But, I mean, right now Monday through Friday I think I want a whole extra day to just be present with her. So working only four days a week, for sure.
Lindsey: Okay.
Candace: I think it looks like more time for me in the mornings, especially right now when I’m pregnant. It’s funny, everyone talks about morning sickness. For me, I feel way worse in the afternoon. So I would love some more time in the morning and having some more self-care time for myself, whether that’s working out or journaling or whatever that is.
Lindsey: I love that.
Candace: I think, yeah, those are the main things. The other thing I think about is no phones when my husband gets home from work. He’s in construction, so he leaves at like 5am every day and gets home around 3:30-ish. So usually Alice is dropped off by four and typically we get to spend from like four to seven together.
And I’ve just noticed recently how much we’re on our phones or scrolling videos, scrolling through TikTok, whatever. It’s like I really want that time to feel more present.
Lindsey: I love this. Do you feel good about implementing all this right now?
Candace: Yeah, I do, I think. Yeah, I do. I think it’s just, yeah. I mean, really, it’s just like even now, this call I feel like I want to block off the rest of my afternoon just to journal and sit and think about these things that we’ve talked about and what that – I want to get even clearer about this magic wand situation. Like if I could really get clear about it, about what does my dream day actually look like? I want to get even clearer.
So I’m going to cancel the rest of this afternoon and spend some time, which will be so nice.
Lindsey: So good. That’s a huge celebration in itself.
Candace: Yeah.
Lindsey: Candace, thank you so much for your candor and all of it. I know I feel like I’m going to listen to this back and be like, okay, I have opportunities for growth. It was just a beautiful conversation. And I’m just so grateful. Thank you so much for calling in.
Candace: Oh, thanks. You’re so welcome. Thank you for helping me and for all of your beautiful wisdom.
Lindsey: Thank you, Candace. Well, sending you lots of love. I’ll see you on the inside of the membership and I will talk to you soon.
Candace: Sounds good. Amazing.
Lindsey: All right, bye.
Candace: Okay, bye.
If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.
