S1.Ep10: “I am not skinny (or pretty) enough for the guys I want to date”

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This week’s caller is Annie, who has a very clear vision of the person she wants to be in a relationship with, but feels her dating life isn’t going the way she hoped.

While she sees evidence of couples of all shapes and sizes out in the world, she believes her midsection is a problem. She feels like she’s inherently not enough to be with the caliber of person she wants to be with, so she called in to ask for help.

Tune in today to hear Annie’s thoughts on why she doesn’t believe she’s currently enough for the type of guy she’s looking for, the stories that are keeping her stuck in this loop, and the new thoughts I’ve offered for her to try on. 

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline.

What You'll Learn on this Episode

  • The stories Annie tells herself about her dating life.
  • Why she doesn’t think she’s enough for the type of guy she’s looking for.
  • What Annie believes would be possible if she didn’t have stomach fat.

Featured on the Show


Click to Read Episode Transcript

Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?

Annie: Yes, I wanted to talk about dating, relationships.

Lindsey: Okay.

Annie: You know, masculine and feminine energy, because that’s something that consistently I’m not seeing what I want to see.

Lindsey: Okay, perfect. And what’s your name? I don’t think I caught it.

Annie: Annie.

Lindsey: Hi, Annie. Okay, so tell me more about it. So when you say you’re not seeing it, what do you mean by that?

Annie: I guess in my physical reality no matter what I journal, like I’ve done for so many years like these are the qualities I want, this is what it would feel like and I’ve practiced feeling it. But I never see my dating life how I want it to be. And part of me does consciously know, I feel like I do have very high standards but I think my story about it is always the guys that I like, they don’t like me. And then the ones who like me on dating apps I’m like, oh my gosh, are you kidding me?

Lindsey: Okay. Let me ask you this, what do you see all of that as evidence of? Like the guys you like, they don’t like you. They guys that like you on the apps, you’re like oh my gosh. And then what does your brain think about that?

Annie: It’s 100% about my physical looks. And it’s like I’m not pretty enough, I’m not skinny enough, I’m not enough for them. Even though I’ve also seen evidence of couples of all shapes and sizes, so I can see it but it’s still like, but I’m not enough.

Lindsey: Okay, let’s talk about that.

Annie: Okay.

Lindsey: Why do you think you’re – I mean, you’ve kind of already stated that, but let’s go into it a little deeper. Why don’t you think you’re good enough for the type of guy that you’re asking for? And you said guy, right? I want to make sure I didn’t just make a –

Annie: Yes.

Lindsey: Okay, perfect. Why don’t you think you’re good enough for the type of guy you’re asking for?

Annie: I mean, I think I always have this thing with my perception of myself, I could say. And even though I’m honestly a fine weight and stuff, it’s always about a little bit of stomach fat that I’m like, oh, if this would just go away it would fix everything.

Lindsey: And if you didn’t have the stomach fat, what would you believe about yourself?

Annie: I think I would feel more confident and then I would show up more confident and it would mean I was above average and more elite, I guess.

Lindsey: Okay. And then what would that mean for your dating life?

Annie: it would mean I could be with a person of the caliber that I’m looking for. Because I feel like they’re looking for a certain type of person in my head. It sounds so weird to say this out loud.

Lindsey: Yeah, but that makes so much sense though, I think that’s pretty common, right? So let me ask you this, what would happen if you had the body that you wanted and then the same thing was happening with dating? Like the guys you like, they didn’t like you. The guys on the apps that you’re like, what is going on, they like you. How would you see that differently?

Annie: Let’s see. Okay, so if I look like how I would want to look or how I think I need to look and those guys still weren’t interested I feel like I’d be confused. But I also feel like I guess I wouldn’t feel that way. I think I would feel happier just in my own skin.

Lindsey: And sorry, I didn’t mean to put words in your mouth, how you think you need to look, that was the more accurate thing, right? Okay, so that’s interesting. And then what?

Annie: And then I guess I would probably care less if I was feeling that way. I mean I know it’s not all about doing whatever extreme to change. I know that wouldn’t make me happy, but it’s really more about the energy. And I’m a dancer and stuff, so just the way I want to feel. I feel like I would just walk around the world differently, but I don’t think I would be as self-conscious either.

Lindsey: How could you see that creating a completely different result? Like when you walk into any room or any space or anything like that, even on the apps.

Annie: I feel like I wouldn’t be on it as much. Like I wouldn’t really be searching. And I would have other things to do with my time in a different way, I guess.

Lindsey: Yeah.

Annie: Like my way I’d be searching wouldn’t be searching for somebody, so I would be more free. But then it’s still like if I was different, then I would be that way.

Lindsey: Right, but what I want to offer is you are thinking that you have to be different to think that way about yourself and just show up that way. What I wanted to show you is that it’s just a difference in the way you’re thinking about yourself. Like you could believe that about yourself right now the way that you are. And if you did, then you would show up this way and you’d have a different, like you’d have different evidence.

Annie: That sounds so hard though, to just change it because I’m like, well. Like I get it, but I’m like, but if I don’t think that then is it just like brainwashing myself with affirmations until I believe it?

Lindsey: Well, in a way, but not. Because here’s the reality, I don’t think that affirmations work unless we believe them. So I imagine it’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall, just kind of like you throw it and it slides off. And that’s kind of the importance of this work is like, I love affirmations, I think they’re great. But again, you could tell yourself all day long, I’m the hottest thing since sliced bread. And if you don’t actually believe it, then it doesn’t matter. It’s never going to shift your reality.

Annie: Right, right.

Lindsey: So it’s a matter of finding things that you do believe or focusing on the things you do believe about yourself or something that can inch you forward just a little bit, right? While you’re focused on your stomach not being the way you think it’s supposed to for this person that you’re trying to attract, what are you not focused on?

Annie: You mean just like positive qualities about me?

Lindsey: Yeah. Or the stuff that you do think is hot, or the things that you’re obsessed with or the things that make you walk into a room and feel confident.

Annie: I’m confident with my conviction about what I believe and how I can help people and my perspective on life and dreams, like how you can follow your dreams and my conviction about that. And just my perspective about life, I love sharing about, and usually when I talk about that it’s very attractive, people are like, whoa. Like they want to listen to me more talk about it. Also, just my creativity is another thing.

Lindsey: Yes. Love it, okay.

Annie: I mean, I love dancing and singing. Just what else about me?

Lindsey: Yeah, I think even just because we’re talking about something physical, I think what you also miss is the other things about you that you are obsessed with that you think are amazing.

Annie: My eyes.

Lindsey: Okay.

Annie: I guess everything else I’m fine with, it’s just my middle part. I don’t know, I’ve never really been like – There’s no other part where I’m like, I don’t like that. But I’m also not like, I love this. I mean, I guess my arms look good. My hair when I do it.

Lindsey: This is so good because what’s interesting about this is it seems like just based on what you’ve told me, like there’s two things because you also brought up something interesting with masculine and feminine energy, and it sounds like you’ve done some work around this.

You said if you were feeling like you looked this way that you were supposed to look, that you would be enjoying your life, doing things you want to, you wouldn’t be so, you know, searching and you just would kind of be in the energy of focusing on yourself, happy and all of that, which would put you more in your feminine energy, right?

Annie: Right.

Lindsey: Which would magnetize someone in their masculine energy.

Annie: Yes.

Lindsey: Right? And so the other piece of this is it sounds like you want somebody who’s a full package.

Annie: Yeah.

Lindsey: Right? Like they look a certain way, they show up a certain way, all of those things, right?

Annie: Mm-hmm.

Lindsey: But then there’s certain areas for yourself that you’re downplaying or not having the thoughts that you want to have about yourself. For example, I’m guessing you want to think like, “Oh, they’re so hot.”

Annie: Yeah.

Lindsey: Okay, so the question is, are you having that thought about yourself?

Annie: No.

Lindsey: Right. So do you see kind of the discrepancy in right now you’re telling yourself that the reason why is because of a circumstance, and I’m telling you that it’s just because of the sentences in your mind. Which I know we’ve talked about, but I’ll give you an example. Like if I spent all of my time focused on, I don’t know, the extra skin I have on my stomach now or that I have kind of a muscular build, not a super slender model type build, right? Then I would not feel hot.

Annie: Just from the thoughts.

Lindsey: Yes.

Annie: But there’s something about the actual feeling too. I guess –

Lindsey: Well, 100%. Well, no, but that’s the thing is, it’s the thought and the feeling. The thought is just kind of the seed, and then the feelings are what matters. And here’s the thing, I’m glad you pointed this out. With this work, if you’re just telling yourself sentences but you don’t actually believe them, you will not feel them in your body. You’re right, the feelings are where the magic is. But they come when you really deeply believe something about yourself.

Annie: Yeah, that’s what I feel like I can’t shift because I’m like, I don’t think it. Not fully, but I’m like, well, yeah, I’ll feel that after this. And I know that’s what this work is saying, you don’t have to wait till that changes.

Lindsey: Yeah. I want you to just try that thought on. Like what’s a thought you want to have about yourself? Is it like I’m hot or whatever, that you also want your partner to have about you.

Annie: Yeah, just like the whole family of things, I guess. Even just like when I’m getting dressed like, dang, that looks good. Dang, I look good.

Lindsey: Yeah. Okay, so I want you to feel that for a second. Like, dang, I look good. Like, close your eyes, feel that thought in your body. Can you?

Annie: Yes.

Lindsey: Okay, I want you to imagine that you walk around with that thought all the time.

Annie: Okay.

Lindsey: What would you be focused on about your body?

Annie: I think it would just be this like inner vibrance, like this whole exciting, happy, light feeling. I think just like clothes would, like what I’m wearing would feel super good. I think I would be showing up a little bit more bold as well with accessories or hair colors or whatever. That’s kind of the essence that I get.

Lindsey: So good. So it would change your actions in a way too, right?

Annie: Yeah.

Lindsey: And that is what’s going to change the outcome. Like all of that little equation.

Annie: Oh, okay, I’m with you. I will do it.

Lindsey: Fine, I will think amazing thoughts about myself and think I’m fine as hell. But it makes so much sense, right? Because if things are at a certain vibration, like even imagine your dream, not that you have to become more. I think that’s really important, that’s not the message here. We’re not saying you need to fix your midsection or whatever, right?

We’re saying these are just thoughts and the things that you believe and feel about yourself have a certain vibration. They cause you to show up a certain way, feel a certain way, dress a certain way, carry yourself a certain way. Imagine your dream guy is operating at a vibration, it’s like you get to step into that just in any moment by believing and feeling these new thoughts about yourself.

Annie: Yes, yeah, I get that.

Lindsey: Okay, how does that feel?

Annie: I just have to prioritize that.

Lindsey: Yeah.

Annie: It’s good. I think I just have to, I mean, I need to make a habit to remind myself because it’s like Joe Dispenza says. He’s like, if we knew how important it was, we wouldn’t let any single thought slip our brain.

Lindsey: Yes, I love that quote.

Annie: Yeah, so I just have to put it in the forefront.

Lindsey: I love it. And another powerful application of it too, is because sometimes you’re not always feeling it, right? Like you’re not always like – I mean, that’s the work, right – but being like, dang, I look good, whatever. But it’s like a powerful question you can ask yourself is, if I did think that, what would I do? How would I treat myself? What would I wear? How would I dress? It can really help you access that and step into it.

Annie: Yes. If I did think that, what would I feel? Okay.

Lindsey: And what would I do, right? Because I’ll give you a simple example, if I don’t feel great, right? And I’m like, oh, but I want to feel amazing, but right now I’m like, I don’t feel so good. I might be like, okay, if I felt great about myself, what would I do? I’m like, oh, I might go for a walk or I might put on my favorite outfit or my favorite heels. That helps. It’s almost like that is like a roadmap to that version of yourself.

Annie: I can see that fully, yeah.

Lindsey: I love it.

Annie: Yes. Thank you.

Lindsey: So good. This is going to change your dating game, Annie.

Annie: All right.

Lindsey: I’m excited.

Annie: I’m open for it.

Lindsey: All right, so good. Well, let me know how it goes and thanks for calling into The Life Coach Hotline.

Annie: You’re welcome, thank you.

Lindsey: Talk to you soon, bye.

Annie: Bye.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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