Lindsey: Hello, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey, your life coach, how can I help you?
Tami: Hi, Lindsey. This is Tami and today I’d like to talk about relationships.
Lindsey: Okay, tell me more.
Tami: So here’s my current situation. So the last few years I’ve done quite a bit of introspective work, and certainly have made some intentional steps to becoming the woman I desire to be. There’s noticeable change in how I just kind of think about and move in life.
However, this is impacting relationships that I have, in particular my marriage. So much so that I vividly remember probably a couple of years ago my husband walking by, I was working at my desk, and he just stopped and stared at me and said, “You’re changing.” Not in a good or bad way, but definitely in a I noticed that you’re shifting way, right?
Lindsey: Yeah.
Tami: And so now I fully realize that he was right. But what I also noticed, I believe that I don’t see that same growth in him. And so as a result, there’s this space between us that has just continued to get wider and wider over the years.
So my question to you, or what I’d like coaching on is, how do I continue to build and grow relationships, and in particular my marriage, when there’s a noticeable difference in the space and the pace of growth while I continue to honor God and myself and my husband?
Lindsey: So good. Such a good question. I think the first thing I just want to offer is just celebrating you for your growth. And the fact that you have leaned into it, regardless of maybe – It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t not support it, but just not having someone cheering you on for it. And for the fact that he made a comment about you changing and you took that as a good thing, right? Like, that’s such a powerful place to be in, rather than making it mean something bad.
So I just kind of want to point that out and celebrate you for that progress, because that’s huge. Go ahead, were you going to say something before I keep going?
Tami: No, I was just like, thank you. I appreciate that.
Lindsey: Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so here’s my question. This can be a really challenging thing, but I think the first thing is what are you wanting to see or what are you wishing would happen?
Tami: So in my ideal world I would continue to grow and thrive and just become this amazing coach and mom and wife. And my husband would also grow in the areas that he loves. He’s in real estate, he loves that. But being able to operate together. So all of our gifts and talents, being able to just be partners and just move forward together instead of separately, because that’s what’s happening now.
Lindsey: Okay, here’s one thing I’m going to offer, it might be a little challenging to hear. But you’ve kind of changed the rules of your relationship. Could you see how that’s true?
Tami: I do. Yes I can.
Lindsey: It sounds like you weren’t the person that you were when you got married. It sounds like maybe you weren’t as growth oriented when you got married. Is that true?
Tami: Yes.
Lindsey: So you’ve completely changed the rules of who you are, what you want, what you value and all of those things. And that doesn’t have to be a problem, I just think it’s really powerful awareness. Because my question is, how does it feel to you when someone else, even him, wants you to do something or change or be a certain way that you aren’t ready for or that you don’t want?
Tami: Oh gosh, it can feel intimidating, right? I’d say if I’m being honest with myself and I see that it’s a move in a good direction, I mean, I have a growth mindset. So if it’s going to move me forward, it could still feel intimidating. So I would likely react out of that space. But if not, then I would just, I would be frustrated and probably offended that he would want me to be someone that I would see as below who I am now.
Lindsey: Yeah, or different, right?
Tami: Different, yes.
Lindsey: Okay, how does it feel to just witness that?,
Tami: Probably, I mean, I feel a sense of, gosh. I feel a sense of almost disrespect. I’m not sure if that’s the right word, but it’s like on one side of my mind, as great as that sounded coming out of my mouth, kind of playing it back being a spectator, I can see also where that might sound like, well, you don’t respect me for who I am right now. So I’m not enough. It might feel like that.
Lindsey: Oh, okay. And what is that? Like what awareness does that bring? I love how you said spectator, too, that’s a really great way to say it.
Tami: Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to make me feel like I’m not enough. That doesn’t characterize love to me at all. I mean, you love someone for who they are. That can be really hard.
Lindsey: Yeah. Well, and I think that there’s powerful awareness here. I’m not saying that you have to allow or settle for something that you don’t actually want. But I think there’s awareness here to recognize exactly what you said, that you’re asking him to become something that maybe he doesn’t want to become. Or you’re expecting him to change, thinking, obviously, I get it too. Trust me. You’re like, I know this will be really good for you. Why wouldn’t you want to do this?
But the awareness will offer a level of compassion, right? And like, oh, I can see it from this different perspective and why he might be resistant to changing or why he might not even be open to it, because there’s pressure here, because of all of these things, right?
Tami: Absolutely.
Lindsey: And with that, I think you then get to decide for yourself. Like, if nothing changed, because he’s probably who he was, I would guess, when you married him.
Tami: He is, Lindsey, he is.
Lindsey: So you get to decide for yourself, can I choose to love him as he is, who he is, and allow him to be that person? Or have I changed to the point where I cannot because what I want has changed?
Tami: That’s an ask there. Very good.
Lindsey: You might not have an answer to that question right now, maybe you do.
Tami: No, but it makes me feel – Because compassion is huge, right? It makes me feel that if I even consider that that answer would be no, then I feel like I am abandoning him. That’s what comes up for me.
Lindsey: Okay, and what would it mean if you abandoned him?
Tami: I just look at things, if I were in any situation abandonment is – I just feel like that’s awful. I’m not that person, I don’t abandon people, I don’t abandon things. I’ll say that. I mean, that is true, right? But I’ll also say that I’ve learned, what I’ve learned about myself is that I’m also loyal to a fault. I believe I can be. And that just means that sometimes when I look back on things I recognize I stayed too long just for the sake of being loyal. But I’ve sacrificed my soul.
Lindsey: Yeah, that’s exactly where I was going to go next. And I’ll offer a different perspective on the word abandonment in just a second. But when you think the answer could be no, and you’re afraid to abandon him, so you choose not to, who do you abandon? Or what happens with yourself?
Tami: Oh gosh, yeah, I’m really abandoning myself.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Tami: That person, my now self.
Lindsey: Yeah, and how do you think it feels, even for him, to be in a relationship with someone who’s abandoning themselves and how does it feel for you to be in that relationship?
Tami: It certainly is not a thriving environment for me, because it would mean I need to show up as someone different. I think it’s full circle back to the beginning of this conversation. I would be basically asking myself to be someone who I’m not.
Lindsey: It is so full circle.
Tami: It is. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair for me to ask that of myself, it’s not fair for me to ask that of him either.
Lindsey: And is it fair for him to have, I mean maybe he doesn’t – He might not be aware of that, right?
Tami: Right.
Lindsey: And it’s not like you know best for him. But it’s like, is it really fair to him to be married to someone who either has to not be who they really are and or who wants him to be different so that they can have the marriage that they want?
Tami: Yeah, no it’s not. Because you’re not even, I mean you’re not yourself, right? And I honestly think that’s what’s happened. It probably feels to him like he just woke up.
Lindsey: Yes.
Tami: And it’s like, who are you, right?
Lindsey: Yeah.
Tami: He just woke up to someone different.
Lindsey: Yes, 100%. It’s so easy, and I’ll tell you this is totally normal, how the human brain works. I went through this same experience. I wasn’t married or anything like that before, but I was in a long-term relationship. And at first we want to blame, right? We want to be like, if they could just grow, if they could just change. But now that I’m way out of it, I look back and I go, I feel so sad for that past relationship.
It happened exactly the way it needed to, but I’m like he had one version of me and then woke up one day with a completely different version of me. I’m like, that would be pretty heartbreaking.
Tami: Yeah, I’m sure it can be, especially if you’ve grown to become accustomed or connected to that version one.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Tami: This is good. This is really good.
Lindsey: It’s huge. I mean, really, really powerful just awareness. And, I think, vulnerability and honesty with yourself here.
Tami: I’m amazed. I’m amazed that you could help me get to that point so quickly. I didn’t see that coming. I didn’t see that coming at all.
Lindsey: Good, I’m so glad. So where are you at now with it? How do you feel leaving this conversation? Because I have some things, but I just kind of want to see where you’re at.
Tami: Right. I’m at a place where I’m thinking from an action perspective. Well, first of all, I’m thinking, okay, you need to take action because I feel like I have more clarity around the entire situation.
And the first thing is just to have an open and honest conversation with my husband, not about what you’re doing, what you’re not doing and all the things. You know, this is how you make me – All those types of things. It’s just this is who I am. I think it’s really just laying it all on the table. Like, this is who I am. Here’s where I’m trying to be and go, all the things I want to do.
Yeah, and just offer where do we see? Who do we see? How do we see? Can we move forward? Because it’s like two different people. I think there has to be a desire.
Lindsey: Yes.
Tami: And a willingness to, I mean, maybe he doesn’t even like me. I don’t know.
Lindsey: You don’t know.
Tami: It’s like meeting a new person. That’s kind of how I’m seeing it now. Now that you’ve offered that lens, it’s like, yeah, because I mean, it’s been a lot of years. And honestly, now I would offer to myself, and likely anyone else in a long-term relationship or a committed relationship, certainly in marriage, that a part of it is getting to know that person over and over every day, you’re going to have to continue to fall in love because that first time is probably cool, but you do change.
People change, circumstances change. And so you likely want to fall in love with that person, too.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Tami: And you’ve got to do the work. You have to do the work to do that. You have to decide if you want to, so that’s kind of where I am.
Lindsey: Yes. Oh my gosh, I have goosebumps all over my whole body. This is so powerful. And my question is, how is this different than the conversations you’ve had in the past? Or how will this be different than the conversations you’ve had in the past?
Tami: Because the past conversations have certainly been more focused on what change you, you meaning I’m pointing, here’s the things you need to do. And there’s no flexibility and there’s no, you know, it wasn’t about acceptance, it was just about pointing out the problems.
Lindsey: Yes, Oh my gosh.
Tami: And all the things that you should want to do or that you should see. And now I just, I have no desire, like that doesn’t resonate at all right now. It’s just really about, hey, I need you to get to know who I am.
Lindsey: And I’m going to get to know who you are and we get to decide.
Tami: And yeah, I get to know who you are because I don’t know what your dreams are now. I’m sure they’re very different than they were 20 years ago. And then let’s just decide if those roads still meet.
Lindsey: This is so huge, Tami.
Tami: It is. I feel good, though. Good isn’t the word. I feel peace. I haven’t felt that in a long time.
Lindsey: Wow.
Tami: When I’m talking about my marriage I feel peace.
Lindsey: Wow, I mean, this is so huge. And I think either way, what’s so amazing about this is you’re in a position now to either make a powerful decision either way and it’s like you’re going to know that you took the responsibility, you did what you needed to do. And so either way, like, maybe this completely changes your marriage and you wake up in a year and you’re like, oh my gosh, this is the marriage that I always wanted. And maybe you don’t and you also know, you feel that peace that you made the best decision. It’s like a win-win.
Tami: Yeah, I love that. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much, Lindsey.
Lindsey: You are welcome. Thank you so much for calling in. You have to keep me updated on what happens.
Tami: Will do. We’ll party, regardless. Again, it’s a win-win, so it’ll be a celebration.
Lindsey: I love it. So good. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for calling in, Tami, I will talk to you soon.
Tami: Thank you, bye bye.
Lindsey: Bye.
If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.
