Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?
Xue: This is Xue, I would love coaching on how to kind of navigate a situation where somebody, like I have really, really big dreams, big goals, big desires. But then your partner is kind of in a different mindset of like nine to five, corporate world, and so isn’t able to kind of see that vision.
So how would you navigate that relationship without making somebody else feel like they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing, while still also not taking in any negative feedback if they say I shouldn’t be doing what I want to be doing when it comes to really big dreams? Especially if we have a family, right? We might have a little bit different visions of this is what I want for the family because I want to make millions of dollars. Where they’re always like, I’m okay with this.
Lindsey: Yeah. Okay, tell me more. Like when that happens, you both have different visions, or in the situation there’s different visions, right? What happens when you’re like, “I want to make millions of dollars and this is my vision for our life,” and they’re not on board with it? Like what goes through your mind?
Xue: I think what goes on in my mind is like, well, I’m still going to do it anyway.
Xue: I feel like that’s the first thing.
Lindsey: Love that. Okay.
Xue: So I feel like that’s a good thing. But I feel like it gets challenging sometimes because I don’t want to be working against each other, if that makes sense. Which I feel like we’re not, but it’s still a little bit challenging because if I say, “Hey, I’m going to invest in this coach for $25,000” their mind is just blown. Like, what in the what are you doing, right? And I’m like, “I’m still going to do it anyway and so I would just love your support.”
And so I think my challenge is that they reflect a lot of their fears onto me. And so I’m trying to coach them and coach myself to stay focused on my goal.
Lindsey: So good. Let me ask you this, it sounds like you’ve already done a lot of work, in the best way. Like a lot of people, I’m sure you see this too, I would guess that. I don’t know if you’re a coach or not, but yes I think you are. That you are like, “I just have so much certainty, I’m going to go forward anyway,” rather than like, oh, they’re uncertain, I’m not allowed to do it, or I can’t do it or any of that.
But here’s my question. Why do you think you need to coach them on it?
Xue: I think that was a predominant thought I had before, like let me coach them and help them see the vision. But I think I’m trying to work on not being responsible for whether or not they’re coming along with my specific individual journey. Because I feel like he has, you know, my partner has his journey, I have my journey, and then we have our family journey.
And so I feel like in building my business and making millions of dollars, that’s like my goal. That’s my dream. And I think I just need help, I feel like I’m half doing it right now. So I want to be fully committed to doing that. But it’s not being responsible for whether or not they see my vision and my dreams and my goal.
Lindsey: Yeah. Okay, so what happens when he doesn’t? Like what happens to you?
Xue: I have like two thoughts. And so I think that’s why I’m like, I need to try to, and maybe this is the part I need coaching on, like making my serving thought, my first thought. When he says something like, “Well, you don’t have the skills to sell a million dollars in coaching,” right? If he says something like that, then my brain immediately goes to, one, of course defensive like, you have no idea what I’ve been doing or how I’ve been coaching. I already do have the skills.
And then that’s the second piece, in my brain I just have to try to remember like, okay, I do have the skills and it doesn’t matter what he says, or anyone else says. But I feel like my first thought is still like, you have no idea what I’ve been doing, right?
And I think it comes from even deeper of like, I wish I could tell you everything that I’m doing in my business and with my clients. But again, I feel like what has happened in the past, and so that’s why I don’t want to do it now, is like if I share something with him, then he’ll be like, “Well, how are you charging $5,000? You don’t have any certifications, you don’t have any skills,” right?
And so it’s like, cool, I just signed a client for like $10,000, but I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to be like, “Well, how are you helping them? Can you guarantee it? Are we going to have to refund them?” Right? So I feel like what I’m scared of is him, again, reflecting his uncertainty and his, I don’t know, questions and fears and then me having to self-coach myself through all of that and making sure that I stay like, no, I can help them.
Xue: I just feel like it’s more work that is unnecessary. Versus if I just didn’t share with him my wins, I don’t have to coach myself through his own thoughts.
Lindsey: So good. Okay, so but what happens when you don’t share your wins with him?
Xue: I feel like I don’t like it, whatever that feeling is like, because I feel like yeah, I want to share with him like, hey, I just signed this client. Hey, I just invested in this. Hey, I have like 100 students. As my life partner, I want to be sharing these things with him. And so maybe this is a real question of like, how can I share something with my partner that I want to share with them, but then also not feel like I have to, maybe attachment to his response?
Lindsey: Yeah, I think that’s the biggest thing, right? Because what’s interesting is we don’t know what will end up happening, right? Like he might eventually get on board with the vision. I know many of my peers have had experiences where their significant others are like – I mean, I’ve told stories about my ex when I first invested. They were like, “You’re insane.” Or it takes them years, like it takes them making multiple millions of dollars for them to be like, oh, okay. And maybe they still aren’t totally on board with it.
But I think the interesting part is when you don’t share them, then you don’t get to have the experience of the excitement of sharing, which is really the gift that you get to give yourself. Now, you’re not wrong. It’s totally difficult to tell someone and have them be like, here are all my thoughts and then it brings up all this. But there was a thought I caught earlier, you said it almost feels like it’s more work?
Xue: Yeah, to share than to not share.
Lindsey: Yes, but here’s what I want to offer. What if it’s actually the best gift you could ever be given to your journey to multiple millions of dollars? What if it’s actually your short cut there? How could that be true?
Xue: Yeah, I think so. I feel like that’s kind of something that was coming up. Because I was thinking if I started to share with him, then it would be giving him opportunities to see that something is working, versus all of the things that I have not told him. Literally the other day I was like, “Hey, I’m investing in this coaching, it’s $25,000.” And in his brain he’s like, what, how, where?
And so I think if I had brought him along in the wins and milestones of my business, then he probably would have been able to see like, oh, okay, the business is already working. It’s already making money, so it makes sense that investing, this is the natural next step. So I think it could have been more beneficial, not just for my business, but for myself and also for our relationship if he was able to be in on those milestones and the wins.
Lindsey: Yes. Here’s the other thing that I want to offer, the little thoughts that he brings up that you get defensive about, you’re obviously very aware. So you know you’re like, ooh, I’ve got to coach myself on this. Like all these things, I’ve got to coach myself on that. They’re already there, but you might not always see them until he brings them up or triggers them.
Xue: Okay, yeah. Yeah.
Lindsey: So you could also see him as like he is like the diamond finder. He is helping you find every single nugget where you lack belief, where you lack certainty, that for some people goes totally, like they don’t even see it because our brains are really tricky and we can hide it, right? And they might not have a significant other or someone who’s doubting them.
And literally he’s like hand gifting you, here’s all the things that you get to work on. Like when you change these, when you close these gaps, million dollars gets closer and closer and faster and faster. Rather than just being totally oblivious to them because they’re just not being triggered at all.
Xue: Yeah, I know. Okay, I think that is spot on. I think that’s so good because I feel like, I am a coach too, so in self-coaching, I feel like my awareness is so high that sometimes I’m focused on him, like these are his fears and these are his thoughts. But I think that that is amazing to be like, hey, whatever thoughts he’s sharing, if I’m triggered by one specific one, then that’s the work that I need to work on. That’s amazing.
Xue: Yeah, I love that. Okay, that’s good.
Lindsey: Yes, because you also, like let’s think about this. You’ve said you’ve charged, what, 5,000, 10,000 for your coaching?
Lindsey: If he was like, not all the questions he has, but if he was just like, “Oh, you’ll never sign anybody for $5,000,” what would your thought be?
Xue: I’ve already done it.
Lindsey: Yeah, you’re not really triggered by that, right? You’re like, you kind of sound silly because that’s so true. Which is just, I mean, I know you know, this, you’re a coach. But I also think for everyone listening who maybe isn’t and their spouse isn’t on board or whatever, it’s like all of those things are just showing you where you’re not fully there all the way, where you do want to defend. And that is such a beautiful opportunity.
He is your fast track and one day you’re going to be standing on stage and you’re going to be like, I want to thank my partner for bringing up all my crap to the surface, and that’s why I’m here.
Xue: Oh yeah, that is so good. I feel like that’s really helpful in also allowing me to share now. Because now I can share and whatever he says, whether it’s the positive side or the negative side, now I can just say, okay, cool, you’re helping me either way, right? So if he says something good, positive, amazing. He says something negative, it’s an opportunity for me to learn where I need to coach more on and kind of fill that gap.
Xue: Yeah, that’s amazing. So good.
Lindsey: So good. And the last thing I’ll offer, and I’m sure you know this, but just remember, too, that these are all the things he tells himself about his potential dreams.
Xue: Yeah, I think that’s what I get caught up on is like, okay, so how can I help him not think these things versus, hey, let me look at what’s triggering me so I can work on that.
Xue: Yeah, so I think that’s super helpful.
Lindsey: Well that’s hard, right? As a coach, you’re like, I want to help. But the best way you’ll help is by doing this work, by leading the way and him watching it. And then he’ll either have dreams of his own or he’ll eventually be like, well, I never even thought this was possible, but here we are. And I don’t even understand how this happened, but this is pretty cool.
Xue: Yeah. Okay, so good. I love that. Thank you so much. That was so good.
Lindsey: Yeah. Thank you so much for calling in, Xue. I’m excited to hear how it goes. I’ll talk to you soon.
Xue: Thanks, bye.
If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.