Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?
Hannah: Hi, Lindsey, this is Hannah here. I’ve been single on and off for about five years.
Lindsey: Okay.
Hannah: And I’ve been doing a lot of coaching on it and trying to meet someone. It is a struggle in my 30s. I’ve gone on lots of dates, I’ve tried relationships with lots of men and it just hasn’t worked out. And so I really want to just ask two questions, and I’d really love to hear from you.
Lindsey: Okay.
Hannah: The first is how do you make a dating goal from a place of love and acceptance in yourself? Because I feel like often my dating goals are from a negative point of view, you know, just avoiding sort of feeling bad or I don’t want to end up alone. And I really want to make my dating goal from a positive point of view.
Lindsey: Love that. Okay. So good.
Hannah: And the second part is like how do you hold onto the possibility that there is someone lovely and there is a lovely relationship out there? I feel like when you’re dating you get so much evidence that all the men on the apps are terrible, they don’t really, like it might not be there for you. You have all these newspaper stories about it’s easier as a single woman to be hit by a bus than to meet a nice man.
Lindsey: Well, first of all, we need to stop reading any of those stories. But okay, let’s start with your first question and then we will move to the second. Does that sound good?
Hannah: Perfect, thank you so much.
Lindsey: You are welcome. Okay, so, here’s my question. If you were living your absolute dream life, like in awe, just like floating on a cloud, life is amazing. You are in your bliss, your job and all of that is going amazing. Why would you want a partner?
Hannah: I think I’d really like someone to share a family with and share good times with and bad times with, you know? I think that’s what I’d really love.
Lindsey: Okay, perfect. So there’s the clarity right there.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: How does it feel? Like it’s from this place of – I actually found this quote, literally, like two weeks before I met my husband, Chris, and it still sticks with me. It was like, create your bliss, and then invite someone to join in on it.
Hannah: I’m writing that down.
Lindsey: And I was like, that is so true because when you do that, it doesn’t mean – Like, I hit a point in my dating, and I’ll coach you on this in a second. But I hit a point in my dating where I was truly happy. I loved my life. But that didn’t mean I still didn’t feel like I just wanted someone to share this with. Like, I know I want that, right?
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: And that doesn’t have to be a problem. But I knew that my number one job was to create a blissful life because that’s what’s going to attract a partner who adds to it, rather than when we’re not – it’s like we invite people in to try to fix it, which creates a very different dynamic, right?
So I’m just curious, when I say that, how does that feel? Like to think, okay, I get to create my bliss and then invite somebody. How does it feel to set a goal, to create a partner from that place? And can that feel true for you, that you’re in your bliss?
Hannah: I think it can feel true for me. And I think, because in a way I sort of almost feel a bit of resistance to being in my bliss. Like it just feels a bit selfish.
Lindsey: Oh, why?
Hannah: I don’t know. It’s like, because, yeah, it just feels a bit like there’s so many people who have had things going on all around me. Actually feeling like I’m just going to create my bliss and just really love my life, it does feel a bit selfish.
Lindsey: How is creating your bliss actually the most selfless thing you can do in the world and for all the people who suffer?
Hannah: I mean, I guess, in one way I know when I’m feeling great and I’m happy, then I do show up for other people in different ways. I know that. I show up better at work, I show up better in family situations, I can take that pause before I actually have a meltdown or sort of go into old patterns. And I know that. Pretty good, pretty good I can do it. In actual bliss, yeah, I feel I need to work on that, that feeling of it being a bit selfish.
Lindsey: It’s really fascinating because humans have a, like just in general, you’re not the only one, the human brain has resistance to feeling good because it can feel very unsafe. It can feel like it goes against our survival, right? If you think about it, our brain’s job and our body’s job is to stay alive. So out in the wilderness, is it really that beneficial to be in our bliss? Or is it more beneficial to be hyper-aware and hyper like, oh, we might run out of food, let’s take care of that, right?
It’s a little bit working, I don’t even want to say that, but it’s against kind of our human wiring and how our brain naturally works. So I think the first thing is just – offering yourself some compassion that it’s okay that bliss can feel hard and uncomfortable, and that it’s something that you just get to practice.
Hannah: And while we’ve been talking, Lindsey, I’ve had this insight that I think it sounds, and I guess our minds do crazy things. But I think I’ve been using the fact that I’m single as a way of almost punishing myself when I am feeling good. So if I’m feeling really great I’ll be like, oh, but actually, remember you’re still single and this means bad things.
Lindsey: Oh, yes. So you’re using it to almost drop yourself down, instead of –
Hannah: Yes. Yes.
Lindsey: I just want to offer a different thought when your brain wants to offer you that one, is like, yeah, I’m single because I am waiting for my most amazing person. And I’m not just going to invite anybody into this world.
Hannah: I love that. Yes.
Lindsey: So we’re coming out with this awareness that we have to practice feeling bliss. We have to practice seeing how bliss is the best contributor to the world, to other people. And I always like to remind people, because this is a really common thought process, like how can I feel so good when so many things are so terrible and awful going on in the world, right?
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: But those people don’t benefit by you feeling bad. Like maybe if someone wants you to feel bad so that they can feel okay feeling bad, right? That’s a little bit different. But the world and other people who are suffering don’t benefit from you bringing yourself down to feeling bad. They benefit from you raising the vibration of the world because that gives them an opportunity to come up too.
Hannah: Wow. No, I love that, I really do.
Lindsey: So good. So the first thing is practicing that feeling in your body, practicing it feeling safe. Like anytime your brain wants to bring yourself down again, just having that compassion, like, ooh, it’s more about the awareness, right? I see what you’re doing. You’re wanting to bring me down and take away from my bliss. I have so much compassion, right? You want to keep me safe, but no, we feel bliss, we feel awe.
Hannah: Oh, I love this.
Lindsey: Now, the second piece of this is how do you hold on to the possibility that they exist when maybe you have tons of evidence? The first thing I’ll offer, which I kind of mentioned already, is you want to feed your mind with as much evidence and examples that show you what you want in the world, not what you don’t want.
So when your brain sees a newspaper article that’s like, “It’s impossible to date, you’re never going to find anybody,” don’t even read it, right? Because whatever we feed our brain is what we believe, it feeds our beliefs.
Hannah: And, I mean, I guess it’s also tricky because often single friends or well-meaning people just kind of –
Lindsey: Give you all their thoughts?
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: Yes, it is. But part of it is when you build the belief where you’re so certain, you might not be there yet. But you’re like, oh, no, my Prince Charming is out there and it’s happening for me, you’ll be able to probably respond with that in mind.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: But if you don’t believe that yet, that’s okay. What would it look like for you to honor yourself in those moments as you’re working to build that belief?
Hannah: I mean, and I think it’s also, as you said with finding my bliss, it’s about offering compassion to myself.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Hannah: And really, really saying it’s okay that you don’t believe it yet or you’re busy building this belief. And, obviously, looking for evidence.
Lindsey: How does that feel?
Hannah: It feels calming because I think it’s almost like if you’re on the apps dating and then you’re meeting some people that maybe aren’t great for you, having that self-talk about, oh well, this is what’s out there or you need to sort of settle or you see this just builds evidence that sort of breaks me down more. And then blaming myself for thinking like that also sort of is exhausting.
Lindsey: Yeah. Why do you think your brain wants to tell you that it’s not possible and he doesn’t exist?
Hannah: I suppose, I don’t know, I suppose it’s almost a way of keeping myself safe.
Lindsey: Yeah, what happens when you tell yourself that?
Hannah: Then I just disengage or I feel sort of really bad and I don’t really go after the goal with joy or anything. Then I use my singleness as a way of punishing myself.
Lindsey: Yeah. Really what you’re doing is you’re protecting yourself from disappointment.
Hannah: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Lindsey: Because if you believe it and then you go on a bad date or you get more evidence, right, how does that feel?
Hannah: It feels disappointing, but not like I’m an emotional wreck.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Hannah: If I believe it and I have a weird date, then I don’t feel emotionally connected to it.
Lindsey: Yeah. So what’s interesting is your brain, this is totally normal. Literally, for everyone listening too, this doesn’t matter. Whether your goal is falling in love, whether your goal is creating the health you want, the business, the money, whatever, it doesn’t matter, finding your purpose. Our brains want to avoid disappointment.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: And what they’ll do to do that is they’ll basically make us disappointed ahead of time. They’ll make us feel crappy ahead of time by telling us it’s not possible and then feeling bad about it, so that we can avoid the future disappointment of believing that that possibility exists and then failing or having it not work out the way we thought.
Hannah Oh, wow. Wow. And then you just feel bad all of the time.
Lindsey: Yeah, and then you create more of that result.
Hannah: Yes, right.
Lindsey: Like you probably say yes to people that you don’t really want to say yes to because you’re like, well, if my person, my dream possibility doesn’t exist, then I’ll just take bread crumbs.
Hannah: Yes, and I don’t allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable or anything like that.
Lindsey: Yes.
Hannah: My goodness.
Lindsey: So here’s my question, what would give you the courage to keep believing in the possibility even when sometimes you don’t get the result that you want or you have bad dates?
Hannah: I mean, that’s such a big question. I think the thing that confuses me also, is that in some areas of my life I’m very good at believing in the possibility, even if I don’t see evidence right away. Like, for example, I’ve applied for jobs and not received callbacks and that doesn’t mean that I haven’t applied for another job. But in this area, yeah.
Lindsey: What’s the difference? What do you think about the jobs?
Hannah: I mean, I guess I have a belief that there are a lot of jobs out there and I am a competent person.
Lindsey: Okay.
Hannah: And I guess I need to, I mean, that belief that there are lots of partners out there and there are people who want to date me too.
Lindsey: Does that feel true?
Hannah: Not really. Not really, it doesn’t feel true.
Lindsey: Yeah, so no wonder why it feels different.
Hannah: Yeah. I mean, I think I’m definitely going to have to journal about that because, I mean, I think in a way a job is a lot more, someone is putting a lot more trust in you than the first couple of dates, you know? Yes.
And I mean, I guess there’s all this stuff about having built up a nice bag of evidence that there aren’t lots of nice guys and the relationships I end up in haven’t worked. I guess I just need to really focus on looking for other evidence.
Lindsey: Mm-hmm. And I would probably tell yourself a different story about when it doesn’t work or when you do go on a date with someone who doesn’t match at all, right? Like, oh, one step closer.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: I’ve never been closer to him.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: The last thing I’ll leave you with is, part of it is a willingness to be disappointed that will help you believe in the possibility. And my question is, what would make you willing to be disappointed, like believe in the possibility for your whole life that he’s out there and that it’s going to happen for you. What would make you be willing, I’m saying it twice, but be willing to do that and be disappointed? Like, what’s the other option?
Hannah: I mean, the other option is I just sort of don’t share my life with anyone. But I think what would make me willing is almost that vision, the vision of having someone to share a life with, having that sort of companionship. And I mean, maybe that vision is enough for me to be disappointed. And also, I guess, say that that disappointment doesn’t mean something, anything about me.
Lindsey: In fact, I think it means something really beautiful about you, that you’re willing to believe in the possibility for yourself.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: Because let’s just say your worst case scenario is you spend your whole life believing in that possibility and you don’t get to share your life with somebody, right? Like that would be the ultimate disappointment. But the other option is deciding that that’s not possible. And then what is the result you’ll get if you do that?
Hannah: Then I’ll get the same result, really.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: Or you’ll settle for somebody.
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: You either get the same result, but the one result you spend your whole life being like, that’s not possible, can’t do that. Or you spend your whole life believing that person could be out there and they’re one step around the corner, like they’re right there. And you could just spend your life living in that. Or you’re like, well, he’s not out there, so I guess this person is okay. And you’ll spend your life married to someone that you chose to settle for.
These are obviously extreme scenarios, but do you see you really are choosing, which choice do you want to make?
Hannah: Yes.
Lindsey: What’s your answer? Or what are your thoughts?
Hannah: I think I do choose to believe in the possibility and potential.
Lindsey: Yeah. Wouldn’t life be way more fun believing in that than the other option?
Hannah: Yes, exactly. It will be, yeah. And sort of just more joyful.
Lindsey: Yeah. I love it. How does that feel?
Hannah: I feel much lighter already. I’ve taken so many notes.
Lindsey: So good.
Hannah: Thank you.
Lindsey: Thank you so much. Your accent is so cute, everybody is going to love it. I can’t wait to hear how it goes. Thank you so much for calling in.
Hannah: No, thank you so much.
Lindsey: I’m so grateful for you, sending you so much love.
Hannah: Thank you. And I hope the accent is okay.
Lindsey: Oh, it’s so cute. Your guy is going to fall in love with it. I love it. All right, Hannah, I’ll talk to you soon.
Hannah: Talk soon, bye.
If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.
