Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?
Kaumundi: Hi, Lindsey. Lately, I’ve been feeling like there’s not enough time and everything feels pressurizing. Like everything feels effortful, everything feels pressurizing and there’s not enough time and I can’t manage everything.
Lindsey: Okay, perfect. So let me ask you this, when you are telling yourself that there’s not enough time and things feel pressurized, how do you show up? What does that typically look like in terms of your actions and outcomes?
Kaumundi: Honestly, I feel like I’m too much in my head about the next thing that I’ve got to do, that I’m not being present with where I am right now. Like for example, I’m in a meeting with you and somebody might just knock in and say, “Kaumundi, we’ve got to go downstairs for the cake cutting session.” Like it happened just five minutes ago while I was preparing. So it feels very unpredictable, but I show up as being not present and so much in my head.
Lindsey: Okay. And how, when you’re in your head and you’re not present, how does that turn out in terms of how you spend your time?
Kaumundi: I tend to get irritated. I tend to feel like life is super uncertain. Like every next thing that I’ve got to do, something might just knock in. Like I’m super afraid whether all of my priorities, like the next commitment that I’ve set for my time, will just not happen. Like something will definitely come up. Does that make sense?
Lindsey: Yeah.
Kaumundi: Yeah.
Lindsey: So you don’t feel trust that when you do set a priority or a commitment, that you’re actually going to get to it or get it done.
Kaumundi: Yes, yes.
Lindsey: Okay, and this makes, I mean, I’m just kind of spelling it out and bringing a lot of awareness, but this is totally normal. Whenever we think there’s not enough time, essentially we don’t use the time we do have at the capacity that we could, right? Like we’re typically not as productive. We’re overwhelmed.
We are, I would say, task switching a lot because I know for me, like I’ll never forget, this is just a funny example. But when I first had my daughter and our nanny started coming for the first time, I literally got nothing done the first week because I was like, oh my God, I only have five more hours that she’s going to be here. I was like, what is going on? Because I would just task switch and just bounce around, right?
So, obviously, we can see that telling yourself this doesn’t serve you. And at the same time I think it’s possible that there could be some truth to the fact that things aren’t always going to go as planned, right? Depending on your life, depending on your commitments, things pop up sometimes. That’s kind of the nature of life.
Kaumundi: But lately, not lately, it feels like you’re saying sometimes, right? With me, it feels like every single time and I can’t seem to break the pattern. I feel like, you know, I’m a powerful manifester and I want to create and change this belief, but I’m just not getting that reset to myself. Like I want to just press a button and everything would reset, you know?
Lindsey: Yeah, well then I think it’s two things. It’s like when something pops up, why do you not follow through on the thing you committed to doing?
Kaumundi: Because the other thing that pops up is always more important, or maybe I give it more importance, you know?
Lindsey: Okay.
Kaumundi: Yeah, and there’s something that I really don’t have a choice with. And maybe that’s a story that I’m telling, but it started happening like three to four months ago. And I think there’s a deeper truth to that because four months ago we recognized that my mom has minor cancer, right? And the guilt started setting in, you know? I wish I spent more time with my mom. I wish I had made her more happy.
And I’m not being in a victim mode here and I don’t want to blame my mom. I love her to death. But it’s mostly something of her concern or something about her, something that has to do with her that comes in between. And even if they’re not just about my mom, even if it’s about something else, it’s very hard for me to stand up for myself that, no, this needs to be a priority and I’m really sorry I can’t do this, you know?
Lindsey: Yeah. Well, there’s a couple of things. I think there’s a difference between desire, like genuinely, like if you were like, I do need and I want to go help her or spend this time with her over this thing that I committed to doing, versus guilt and shame or like you said, that should, supposed to feeling that might pop up, right?
So I think the more, like I think my question is, do you feel like there’s a problem if you genuinely have committed to doing something, but then something that you want to do, like spend time with your mom or do something different comes up, do you have any feeling around deciding to do that?
Kaumundi: I didn’t really get your question, but if you’re talking about what feelings come up when you have to decide, there’s definitely some guilt and some shame that comes up around I should definitely be doing this rather than doing this thing.
Lindsey: Okay, perfect. Okay. So my question doesn’t matter, like that was kind of the direction we’re going, but this is really what I wanted to ultimately get to at the end of the day. So why is there guilt and shame? What’s the thought process you have behind it?
Kaumundi: So it’s pretty simple, but four years ago, I’d say maybe even a couple of months ago, my mom had this thing that, you know, stay at home, help me out with stuff. But I used to go out with my friends instead because that gave me joy. I used to do my things rather than being with her.
So the time that I did not listen to her, I started realizing that, oh, she was just crying for help. She was just crying for attention and I did not give that to her. So this is the time when I’ll be there for her. Like I’ve never been there for my mom. I’ve never been there for my family. And this is the time where I’ve got to be with them.
Lindsey: So it sounds to me like you wish you would have done it differently, and I’m curious as to why.
Kaumundi: Yeah, I wish I would have done it differently because it’s my family. It’s my mom. How could I not take care of her? How could I let her sink into her sadness, sink into her aloneness?
Lindsey: I might ask a challenging question here. And I’m not saying that you can’t have desire to be there for your family, but I think it’s different when it’s shame or guilt or anything like that. It’s like, as a kid do you really think that was your job?
Kaumundi: That’s a challenging question. But if not me, then who? If not your family, if not your own family, then who would do that, rather? I mean, I totally understand your perspective. Like it’s not my responsibility to keep my mom happy, but it just feels like truth. Like it just has to be this way.
Lindsey: Yeah. It’s something I would just be curious about, right? I’m not saying that – There’s a huge difference between showing up for your family and the people you love when they need you out of desire, rather than, like because you want to, and sometimes not because you don’t want to. And realizing the question of who is then her, right?
And I’m not saying I understand that in people’s different situations. Like some people are in the depths of their despair and they’re not even available to take that level of responsibility over themselves and their life. But I think there’s a piece of this that it’s like when you think about it from that place of shame and I should have and family is supposed to do that, think about how you would show up for somebody when that’s the energy behind it.
Kaumundi: Yeah, I think a lot of resentment would show up and it has started showing up.
Lindsey: Absolutely.
Kaumundi: Like I do sometimes snap out. Yeah, I do snap out at my mom sometimes when I really don’t want to do that.
Lindsey: Right, how could you not?
Kaumundi: Yeah.
Lindsey: And I think there’s a two-prong approach to this. I didn’t know this is where this conversation would go, but if you’re like, I am the caretaker, like this is my job, I think there’s an opportunity every time you’re doing something, it’s like learning to get yourself on board with that decision out of genuine desire. Giving yourself the true option that you don’t have to and that’s where you’ll find that desire.
And I think there’s also the honoring yourself that when you honor what you desire, when you honor what feels good, you’re actually going to be able to show up for her, for your relationship, for the things that you do want to do for her so much differently.
Kaumundi: I like that, yeah. I think I was so much into the story that I couldn’t see the other side of it.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Kaumundi: But yeah, I think it makes more sense that if I do what I really want to do when I go after my desires, I will definitely show up differently.
Lindsey: Yeah, it’s not like you don’t show up for her. And think about you’re like, I wish I spent more time with her, but if you spent the time out of obligation and holding resentment, would that time have been quality? Would that time have felt good to you or felt good to her? I mean, I’m not sure I would want to spend time with someone who was doing it out of obligation.
Kaumundi: Oh man, yeah.
Lindsey: Right?
Kaumundi: Yeah. In some of the cases, I think that’s the only option I have. Do you understand? And they’re a bit sudden. They’re a bit last minute. So for example, I may set up a meeting like this and my dad would just call me up in the morning saying, Kaumundi, we’ve got to go to the doctors. And it’s just me who has to take her and there’s nobody else, you know?
Lindsey: Is that actually true?
Kaumundi: Yeah. Honestly, yes. So that’s a good question. So maybe I’d say out of 10 cases, that’s six of the times.
Lindsey: Okay. So it’s a good thing to question, right?
Kaumundi: Yeah.
Lindsey: Right? Because your brain is like, every time. But I was like, it’s not every time. There are many times.
Kaumundi: Yeah.
Lindsey: But maybe you’re making it something that you have to do every time, and I’d be curious as to why. Again, I don’t know the whole situation, but it’s like, what would happen if you’re like, I can’t today?
Kaumundi: I think somebody else would have to take responsibility. So I do have my brother with me. My dad doesn’t live with us, he is working in another city. So I may have to call up my brother and he might say, no, Kaumundi, I cannot. And then I may have to fight with him, and that would bring up the feeling of, I can’t even do this little thing for my mom, you know, that I have to fight about it. It would feel selfish. Like it would just feel selfish.
Lindsey: Yeah. But this is such great insight. No wonder why you are constantly feeling like you have to, because you think honoring yourself in some of these scenarios is selfish, when in reality how do you feel in your life when you don’t honor yourself and your time?
Kaumundi: Yeah. Was that a question?
Lindsey: Yeah. I mean, I just said, how do you show up in your life when you don’t honor yourself and your time?
Kaumundi: I feel disconnected from myself lately. This is how I’m showing up currently. It sucks. I’m mostly in my head. I’m doing things for other people and not myself. I don’t think I’m living my own life anymore.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Kaumundi: Oh my God, I’m so sorry, this coaching session feels more of a ranting session.
Lindsey: No, this is great. This is good because your association with doing things for yourself over other people is selfish, is really at the root of this.
Kaumundi: Yeah. And somewhere I’m aware about it, but I just don’t know how to reset it.
Lindsey: Well, I think it’s a shift from – And I think this is really a common story with being a mom too. I think this is, just for our listeners as well, it’s very common. Doing things for yourself is selfish, it’s just something I think we’ve been taught by nature, especially, I think, as women. But when you don’t do things for yourself, when you don’t honor yourself, everyone else is getting scraps, the last of you, and you’re getting the last of you. So no one benefits from that.
Kaumundi: I like that, yeah.
Lindsey: And I think that selfishness, we often define it as, like doing things for yourself equals selfishness. I like to think of selfishness as a result that actually comes from a feeling of fear and lack, rather than the desire to put oneself first.
I’ll give another example. A lot of times people think talking about your accomplishments is bragging or conceited. And I’m like, no, being conceited or bragging typically comes from feeling, I don’t feel good enough, so I have to talk about these things to make me feel good enough, rather than I feel whole and amazing and I’m celebrating. So it’s not the act that defines it as bragging or being humble or whatever, it’s the why.
And so I like to think of selfishness as the same thing. Doing stuff for yourself is not inherently selfish at all. It is a necessity. If I didn’t take care of myself as a mom and put myself first and prioritize, I wouldn’t be half the mom that I am. And that could be considered selfish if that’s how you define it. But for me, it’s coming from love. It’s coming from love for my daughter. It’s coming from love for myself.
And so I think we have to change this definition. You saying no, you saying like, you know, setting boundaries and saying something like, I actually can’t today, I need more of a heads up or whatever, right? I don’t know exactly what the whole process looks like. And I get it because sometimes last minute things show up with my daughter, right? And I just have to handle them.
And at the same time, I think that this storyline is really the thing that’s limiting you. And so what are your thoughts when I say all of that?
Kaumundi: What’s really coming to my mind is honoring myself more and setting up boundaries. But maybe I’m just not feeling good enough to set those boundaries, to stand up for myself. Like what better would I be doing? It’s just a client meeting, that’s not more important than this. I’m just going out with a friend and have some fun that I can still have two days later again.
So I kind of trick myself out of it anyway. Like I don’t give myself the time to honor my needs first because I don’t feel – The other priorities aren’t important enough, you know? So I’m not able to stand up for them. And even if I feel like they’re important, I’m not able to convince the other person that they’re important.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Kaumundi: I feel like they will be questioned. It will be questioned. Oh, so what? You’re just going out with friends, go out tomorrow.
Lindsey: Yeah. But that’s where you have to, you have to get so solid in that. I think at the end of the day, what I want you to start working on is associating doing things for yourself, even the fun things, even like I have a nanny who comes and sometimes I’m sitting on my butt painting in the corner. Someone could be like, well, you could be spending time with your kid. I absolutely could be, but I want you to work on seeing that giving yourself joy and the life that you want is a gift to the other people.
Like I have so much more to give because of that. So much more rather than being depleted, resentful and drained and doing everything out of obligation. Like, sure, I physically might be there more, but emotionally, mentally, like really cherishing the time and thinking ahead and making it enjoyable and all of that, no. All right?
Kaumundi: I’m so sorry. Yeah. Thank you so much.
Lindsey: No, you don’t have to apologize. This is great, I think so many –
Kaumundi: Yeah, I just got lost in my head.
Lindsey: No, this is great. So giving yourself the gift of time and joy and all of that is a gift to other people.
Kaumundi: Yes.
Lindsey: All right?
Kaumundi: I’m going to anchor into that belief. Thank you.
Lindsey: You’re welcome.
If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.
