S1.Ep25: Money: “Wanting to make more feels selfish”

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Do you find yourself wanting to make more money but feeling uncomfortable about admitting it? After living in survival mode, Chanel called The Life Coach Hotline to discuss the discomfort she feels now that she makes more money.

Given society’s expectations for women to be generous and selfless, you might also feel uncomfortable and selfish in desiring more than ‘just enough’ money. Together, we explore the root of this belief, and why making tons of money doesn’t feel comfortable to so many women when it should. I’m also asking her questions to help her move in a different direction with money.

Tune in this week to discover how to get rid of this feeling of selfishness when you earn well-deserved money. I’m discussing with Chanel how to separate herself from money and we work on different ways to be generous while also taking care of ourselves.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline.

What You'll Learn on this Episode

  • Why it feels weird to want to make more money and how to feel more comfortable about it.
  • How the messages women receive about money affect their concept of money.
  • What the desires we have mean about ourselves.
  • ​​How to feel comfortable making more than just enough money.
  • How to be nurturing by making more money.

Featured on the Show


Click to Read Episode Transcript

Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?

Hello, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline, this is Lindsey, your life coach. How can I help you?

Chanel: Hi Lindsey, my name is Chanel. I am looking for help, I guess, coaching around desiring to make more money but kind of feeling a little bit weird about admitting that.

Lindsey: Well, I’ll just say you already have a transformation because you are admitting it. So that’s amazing. Tell me more about that. What feels, and I mean so many people are going to connect with this. What feels weird about admitting that?

Chanel: I think the first place my mind goes to when I think about wanting more money, like initially this year I’ve made more money and that feels nice, but it was coming from like I have had such a scarcity mindset around money. And so now it’s like I’m kind of coming out of survival. So I think my brain is telling me to want more than that is maybe a little bit selfish.

Lindsey: Which in a really powerful way, just to show you, shows us why you probably have just been barely surviving, right? Because if wanting any more than that feels bad, you’re unconsciously going to block it no matter what.

Chanel: I think I’ve spent so much time just barely getting by that that’s what feels comfortable to me. So it’s trying to get my brain on board with feeling comfortable making more than just enough.

Lindsey: Yes, totally. Such good awareness. Okay, so why does making more money feel selfish?

Chanel: My brain ties it to being a woman and we’re supposed to like give and give and give. And if we want to do more for ourselves or keep some to ourselves, it feels like we should be doing and giving to others before ourselves.

Lindsey: Where do you think that you got that belief?

Chanel: Probably from my childhood. I think it was a lot of just experiencing money doesn’t grow on trees. Like we only have enough to get by, so anything beyond that felt like maybe I don’t deserve that.

Lindsey: How does it feel to just see, like witness that?

Chanel: It’s definitely helpful because I think then I can hold compassion for my younger self and understand maybe why I thought that. And now adult me can step in and change that narrative.

Lindsey: Yeah. I think the other thing is it’s really not yours.

Chanel: Yeah, totally. And I think too, I’ve done enough coaching to know if we think I’m deserving of just enough money to get by, that’s how it will be. We’ll create that.

Lindsey: Yeah. So true. Okay, I think this is going to blow your mind to work through this selfish piece, because I think it’s powerful to have that awareness, to see and be like, okay, that’s not actually mine. And then I think there’s also part of you that still believes it’s selfish. And if part of you still believes it’s selfish, it’s really hard to get past that. So I want to work on almost removing the idea that it’s selfish, like entirely. Like dissolving it.

So my question is, when you are just getting by, how do you behave with money?

Chanel: I think my brain goes to like, okay, well, I have to pay my bills. And it’s very analytical about it. There’s no real freedom to do anything beyond what I have to do.

Lindsey: Okay. Would you consider that generous or selfish?

Chanel: I would say that’s more selfish because I’m really only taking care of myself and there’s not anything. There’s no thinking or giving to other people.

Lindsey: Okay, marinate on that for a second.

Chanel: I’ve never thought about it that way.

Lindsey: Like what?

Chanel: That helps me so much because it makes me think about when people say money just makes you more of who you are, that makes me feel better because I do feel like I’m someone who would like to give back.

Lindsey: And from a loving place, right? I’ve seen that happen before, too, where people are like, oh, okay, so then if I make more money, I just have to give it all. Right? But I think the other thing is, how do you think you would feel in your life if you made an abundance of money and you gave to yourself what you need? You gave yourself rest. You gave yourself time. You gave yourself gifts. How do you think you would show up in the world?

Chanel: Oh gosh. Just being abundant like that and so well taken care of, I feel like it would open up so much brain space and energy to do more and be more for other people.

Lindsey: Yes.

Chanel: Like I wouldn’t be spending so much time and mental energy thinking about money all the time.

Lindsey: Yes. Have you heard people say it’s actually harder to make less money?

Chanel: I’ve never heard that.

Lindsey: But that’s really what they’re referring to.

Chanel: It’s harder to make less money. Yeah, I mean, I could totally see that now because you’re spending so much more time and focus on your finances when you could be using that focus for anything else. That’s such a shift for me because I feel like my brain was just stuck on that path of if you make more money, it’s selfish.

And I think, without going down that rabbit hole, I feel like it ties into the patriarchy too, that women are supposed to nurture and take care of other people. But I totally believe when we’re taking care of ourselves, we’re our best for other people too.

Lindsey: Yes, and it’s no different for money.

Chanel: Yeah, that’s so helpful. I feel like it’s opening my brain up to different pathways to thinking about money. I think some of it’s like self-concept too. I think I’ve spent so much of my life in survival mode with money, that my brain kind of is like, oh, that feels really uncomfortable to think about making tons of money. Let’s just shy away from that.

Lindsey: Well, I think you hit the nail on the head. And this is kind of the wild part about our brain, but really the part that is meant for survival. We would rather stay in the known uncomfortable than venture into the unknown, which could be better.

Chanel: Totally. I just finished reading The Mountain Is You, and I feel like that’s the biggest thing I took away from that. I know that from coaching, that we want to stay where we’re comfortable. But the whole time I was reading that book, I was just thinking about me and how those principles apply to how I’m living my life now. And I think this is one of the biggest things, like my comfort around money and my self-concept around stepping into the next version of myself.

Lindsey: Yes. So where have you gotten in terms of letting that go? I mean, we’re going to coach more on it, but I’m just curious, like just from our conversation so far.

Chanel: I think that’s hugely helpful just to think about me making more money is only going to make me more of myself. It’s only going to make me more generous, not selfish because I’m making more money. So I think that in itself is a huge shift.

To be honest, my brain hadn’t even thought of it that way at all. So to do that total 180 and really marinate on the fact that if I make more money, I will be more gracious, I can do more good with that. I guess thinking about it as a tool too, not an extension of my self-worth.

Lindsey: Yeah.

Chanel: Like separating myself from money in that sense, too.

Lindsey: Yeah, it’s huge because really all it comes down to, and it does get tied to that oftentimes, but if you think about it, it’s just that at some point you were taught this and this is what you believe about money and that’s literally what you create with money. It has nothing to do with your level of worthiness as a human.

Chanel: Right. And I think when I think about it, too, I think there’s thoughts behind when I look at people barely getting by, it feels so familiar to me and I see so much evidence of that. So when I see people that make a lot of money, I think that’s so amazing. But there’s a part of me that thinks, but that’s not for me. Or I feel so disconnected from that, I guess.

Lindsey: What would make you think, “of course that’s for me”?

Chanel: That’s tough. Of course that’s for me. I guess maybe just because I am someone who wants to help other people and give back. So I do feel confident in the sense of my intentions are in the right place. I wouldn’t consider myself to be someone who’s greedy or, ironically, I don’t think of myself as selfish. So maybe just focusing on that saying, when money gets in the hands of good people, they just do more good with that.

Lindsey: Yes. One thing I’ll offer, too, that I love that helps me with anything, for anyone listening too, is I always love to think that the desire – when I say desire, I think sometimes people mean like lust, but I’m talking about love, loving desires for myself – is I think the fact that I have them means they’re meant for me, whatever they are.

Chanel: Oh, I love that.

Lindsey: And I think sometimes we get so caught in thinking, well, doesn’t everyone want to make a lot of money? But that’s not actually true. Not everyone’s true desire, a lot of people, I’m sure, right? But why am I drawn to, why is it my purpose in life to be a coach, whereas someone else’s most aligned thing is to paint?

Or sometimes I look at Eva, and it’s such a great perspective, I’ll see her have a preference or a desire for something. That was built into her being. She didn’t cognitively think, oh, I like to play with this thing more than this thing and here’s why. It is literally in the fabric of who she is, the magic of who she is.

And so I like to think, however you want to think about it, spiritually, religiously, it doesn’t matter, but it’s kind of fun for me to think that they were literally built into the fabric of us by some higher power, magic, whatever. And the fact that they’re there, those desires, means we are meant to fulfill them.

Chanel: I love that. Then it’s like we’re being led to who knows what’s down the road. Maybe I’m meant to make a lot of money because three years from now, I don’t know, I will donate or start my own charity or something.

Lindsey: Yes. Or maybe you’re meant to make a lot of money because you want to help other people or whatever it is, you inspire someone else, and they go out and they do something and you want to spend a lot of money on a yacht. I think there’s a little bit I just want to offer in the best way, and this is work that you can continue doing. And for those of you guys listening, this is a lot of the work we do in the money module of the life membership.

It’s like your brain wants to be like, okay, I have it and then I’m going to be generous with it. I’m going to do this. So that’s something too that can kind of block you, but let’s keep where we are right now with this. It’s like following those desires, whatever they are, whatever they end up being, what if that is your greatest gift to the world? The vibration that you put off, the person that you are, that is truly the path you’re supposed to walk and what you’re meant to do, period.

Chanel: I love that too. And then that would just give other women permission to do the same.

Lindsey: Hell yes.

Chanel: I love that. That’s so helpful. And thank you for pointing that out too, because I don’t think I was realizing that my brain was still kind of on that track of like, oh, well, if you have money, you need to do something altruistic with it. And it’s okay to do something just because the desire is there.

Lindsey: Yes. Your homework as you’re making more money will be to spend some on yourself. And the other thing I’ll offer about this, and I was actually coaching someone on this yesterday or the day before, it’s literally like as you’re starting to make decisions from this kind of new self-concept of like, I’m meant to make a lot of money, it’s literally in your body going to feel like you are doing it wrong.

Chanel: Okay.

Lindsey: Right? Because it’s like the opposite of what you’ve believed about yourself your whole life. And those beliefs have created how you operate in the world. So to become a different version, to create this new self-concept and step into it, it’s almost like you’re doing the opposite of what feels right to this current version of you.

Chanel: Totally. Thank you for that reminder too, because it’s just helpful to be reminded this is a new way of thinking for me, so of course it might feel off at first, just because I’m operating in a new thought process and a new self-concept.

Lindsey: Yes. And that’s literally, honestly, like if we think about it, and again, I’m just kind of sharing this for the people listening too, but I’m like, that is the challenge of this work. That’s why, to me, I think coaching is so valuable or like having someone to help you, is because your body and brain will feel like fight or flight. It will be like sending off alarms, like no, we’re ruining our life. We’re doing it wrong.

But that’s just because it’s wrong to the old version of us that has created our current life. And having someone hold space for that and help you see that and help you walk up to that and through that helps from you turning and running the other direction and going back to the old self-concept and creating the same life that you have now.

Chanel: Totally. It’s so wild because we know logically we’re like, I want to make more money, but our subconscious brain is like, no, this is new, let’s not do that. You’re totally right, it’s so helpful to have someone there to remind you like, of course, this feels different because you’re trying to move in a different direction.

Lindsey: Yes. Oh, I love it. This episode is so good.

Chanel: Thank you so much. I know this is so helpful.

Lindsey: I’m so glad. Well, thank you so much for calling in, Chanel. I can’t wait for this episode to go live. I know it’s going to impact a lot of people. And I cannot wait to hear about your year of making the most money that you’ve ever made in your life.

Chanel: Thank you so much. This has been so helpful.

Lindsey: You’re welcome. Awesome, I’ll talk to you soon.

Chanel: All right, bye.

Lindsey: Bye.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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