S1.Ep19: “What’s blocking me from getting what I want?”

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If you’re having difficulty achieving your goals as they relate to your health, relationships, business, or any other area of your life and it feels like something is blocking you, this episode is for you. Our caller this week is experiencing exactly this, so I’m helping her solve this problem on today’s show.

Leilani has noticed a pattern in different aspects of her life. She’s struggling to reach her goals, so she called The Life Coach Hotline to get some help and guidance in seeing what’s blocking her from getting the results she wants. It can be incredibly frustrating when it feels like you’re stuck in a pattern of trying and failing, and the goal here is to help her break out of this cycle.

Tune in this week to discover how to be there for yourself when it feels like something is blocking you from achieving what you want in life. I’m showing Leilani how she’s getting in her own way, and I’m helping her get clear on what needs to change so she can start making real progress on her goals.

The price of the Anything but Average Life Membership is increasing from $97 per month to $197 per month. Enroll before January 2, 2024, to stay at $97 per month! If you know you’re meant for more, click here.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline.

What You'll Learn on this Episode

  • How Leilani’s brain is talking to her about her business, relationship, and health goals.
  • Why you can’t thought-work your way out of real emotions.
  • The ways you may be stopping yourself from seeing what’s really blocking you.
  • How perfectionism is keeping Leilani stuck in all areas of her life.
  • Why sometimes you need a hug, not a pep talk.

Featured on the Show

  • The price of the Anything but Average Life Membership is increasing from $97 per month to $197 per month. Enroll before January 2, 2024, to stay at $97 per month! If you know you’re meant for more, click here.
  • If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline.

Click to Read Episode Transcript

Hi, guys. Lindsey here. I feel like I don’t get to talk to you directly as much just because of the structure of this podcast. Who knows? Maybe this year, along with the call-in structure, I’ll pepper in some life updates and some self-coaching and things like that.

But I just wanted to pop on and wish you guys a happy holidays, a happy new year. I hope this year has been magical. And even if it hasn’t been, you have an opportunity at any moment to choose to create a different reality. I wanted to make sure you guys knew that the Anything but Average Life membership investment is changing from $97 a month to $197 a month.

And if you enroll in the membership before January 2nd, you will be grandfathered in at $97 a month. The membership is for anyone who feels deep inside of them, no matter what level you’re at, that you have potential that is untapped, that you know you are meant for more in every aspect of your life. Like you are not here to settle for average and you know that you have more to give, but you feel stuck on how to change your life, you feel stuck in how to create the results that you want.

You know that there’s something locked up inside of you and you want help bringing it out. So the Life membership is all about giving you the tools, the support, the coaching that you need in order to blow your mind in 2024.

And just remember that if nothing changes, nothing changes. And this isn’t just an, “I know what I need to do. I just need to do it.” The reason why you’re not doing it matters.

The coaching that you’re hearing on this podcast is how you create shifts to create different results. I’ll tell you guys, I tried so hard for 8 years to change my life. I worked at it. And I still didn’t get the results that I wanted.

The tools in this membership are the tools I learned and everything fell into place and clicked. And I started to create the things that I really wanted in my life. There’s no community like this out in the market. There is support from me. There’s coaching from me.

There’s 50 plus modules and videos. $97 a month is an absolute no brainer. So is $197 a month, but I want to make sure you guys know that that change is coming. And if you want extra business support and you want to make a commitment that is really going to require you to show up at a different level, we also have the VIP option that’s staying at $997 for the year, and you’ve got some fun bonuses.

So, anyway, want more details? Go to lindseymangocoaching.com/life, and I will see you on the inside, and let’s jump into today’s episode.

Lindsey: Hi, welcome to The Life Coach Hotline. This is Lindsey Mango, your life coach. How can I help you?

Leilani: Hey Lindsey, this is Leilani. I am noticing a pattern through different aspects of my life that I can’t reach certain goals. And I want to get help on identifying what is keeping me from reaching those goals or results that I want.. Or maybe there’s a block or something, because I’m seeing this pattern show up in my health, in my small little business and even some of my relationships. And I just feel because it’s showing up in so many aspects of my life that, okay, I need to figure out what’s stopping me.

Lindsey: Okay, I love this so much. I think the first thing is just celebrating the awareness of it. You know what I mean? Because I think most of the time that kind of stuff goes on unnoticed. So at least you’re onto yourself in the way that you’re like, okay, something’s going on here.

Leilani: Yes.

Lindsey: Right, like I need to dig deeper. Can you give me some of the just examples and tell me a little bit more how it plays out?

Leilani: Okay. So for instance, I have been putting my health as a huge priority. And I feel like I’ve been doing the anti-diet, like not restricting myself, trying to feed what my body wants, exercising and moving my body. And I do see some results, a little bit of results. But I feel my brain is like we’ve been doing this for so long, you should be down two pants sizes by now. But we’re only moving the needle just a smidge.

And in my business like, okay, let’s try this strategy. And I feel like I’m being more authentic, but yet the results just don’t come in with clients coming knocking on the door. As well as, this is a little bit personal and nothing crazy, is that we have been trying to be pregnant for quite some time and it is just not happening. And so it’s just like, again, this recurring pattern of me trying to do the best that I can, but the results are just not there.

And now it’s coming to the point in my brain of like, why are we trying so hard when we’re not getting what we want? And so it’s starting to drag me down and be depleting.

Lindsey: Yeah, totally. I mean, of course, that’s challenging. Especially to feel like you’re really working at something and to not feel like you’re making the progress that you want to see.

Okay, so here’s my first question. When you imagine – Actually, there’s two directions I kind of want to take this. But the first is, when you imagine actually having all of the things that you want, does anything come up for you? Like any feeling in your body? Any thoughts that pop up into your mind?

When you really think about it, it’s like business is easy and flowing, and clients are just coming out of the woodwork and signing, your health just feels good, looks the way that you want, you’re pregnant, all of those things. Does anything pop up for you?

Leilani: Yeah, the first word that came to my mind is relief. Like just feeling whew, wow, I did it. Just like this huge sense of relief.

Lindsey: Okay, this is so good. Relief is always a really interesting emotion, to me, because I actually think that there’s always something deeper. It’s like you need relief from an emotion or from something, which tells us that there’s more to this, right? So I’m curious, what would you feel relief from?

Leilani: A relief of just trying so hard, a lot of effort. Probably a relief of trying to prove to myself and let’s be honest here, I’m human, probably trying to prove to the world that I did what I said I was going to do.

Lindsey: Ah, okay. I’m just curious, we’re going to take this further, but what does this offer you, just that awareness?

Leilani: It offers, I guess, some clarity. But I think about it, like not a lot of people know that I’ve been trying to have a baby for a couple of years. And so it’s not like I have to prove to them like I said I was going to have a third baby, so here it is. So it offers some clarity. I do maybe think internally there’s just this voice in my head that I have to prove to myself to just make me believe that I have a place in the world.

Lindsey: What does that mean?

Leilani: I see a lot of people just succeeding and I just would love to be where they are.

Lindsey: What do you think that would give you?

Leilani: So we talked about relief. Well, I think there’s more to it, like you said. So relief. I don’t know if validation is the right word, I think there is something a little bit deeper there. Maybe worth is the right word. I don’t know. And see, I think this is the block in my brain that’s keeping me very confused.

Lindsey: Well, I think that it’s an interesting kind of spiral if you think about it, because it’s like you want the relief from all of this. And so your brain is also attached to finding an answer.

Leilani: Yes.

Lindsey: Right? Because it’s like, well, we’ve got to figure this out, rather than kind of being neutral and curious. And so it kind of falls all in on itself because even right now, through the coaching, you’re being open and all of that, but I can see your brain, it’s still being, like it gets confused because it’s looking for a very specific answer and solution because it wants this relief so bad. So it kind of all falls in on itself.

Leilani: So how do I get out of this spiral?

Lindsey: Yeah. Well, I think the biggest thing is what would allow you to be in a place of just total curiosity? Like what would you have to let go of to not feel like there’s such a stranglehold on figuring this out?

Leilani: The first word that comes to my mind is perfectionism. And I think there’s a part of me that denies that I try to be perfect, because I can see my life and it’s not. It’s wonderful. Like there are moments of perfectness, perfectionism. But there’s other things I’m like, well, this is not perfect and I could care less if it’s not perfect or not. But I have a feeling that maybe I do care.

Lindsey: So you’d have to let go of that.

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: What would allow you to do that, at least even for a moment?

Leilani: What would allow me to let go of the perfectionism? The obvious answer would be to know my worth, to know my value, to know that I do have a place in the world. But that’s a very big jump for me. And see, this is like, the pattern is that I know the answers – Well, I feel like I know the answers. But yet, why can’t I take that step to be on that side of believing?

Lindsey: Well, I think because you’re not allowing the answers to move to your body. I will say this, even from my own experience and from coaching, oftentimes I see this happen where it’s almost like the coaching work kind of stays above the neck. It’s like you can be great at changing thoughts and doing all these things, but if it never moves to the body and the feelings, it’s like it doesn’t matter.

Leilani: Yeah, and that’s a really good thing that you point to, because when I think about some of the thought work that I have done to keep me going consistently to the gym and do all these things, there does feel like a tension still happening within my body. It’s just like a tension is tensing me up from that so I don’t feel that relief and stepping into just 100% belief.

Lindsey: Usually that’s a sign that you’re trying to skip over the emotions. It’s like you’re kind of trying to thought work your way out of the emotions that are there.

Leilani: So I guess the question would be, how do you identify the emotions that you’re trying to skip over?

Lindsey: Well, I think it’s kind of what you’re running from. So you want relief, and it’s like if you don’t have that, if you don’t have the outcomes, then what would you feel?

Leilani: A failure. I think what it comes down to is that I’ve always been on this train of being seen. And I know why, just because of how I was raised and my placement in the family and all these things. And it still feels like I’m trying to chase this feeling of being seen and just seen as a person, versus not being seen because I had an achievement attached to me.

Lindsey: This is so good. Well, because this is why a lot of times we’ll block ourselves, because I think that there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to play this game anymore.

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: And so it’s like there’s the kind of awareness and the growth part who is like, I see this game we’re playing and I don’t want to have to prove myself. And then there’s the other part that’s like, no, keep pushing. What’s coming up for you?

Leilani: I guess, frustration that I keep coming back to square one. Like I know that story. I know why I have this tendency of wanting to be seen for just who I am. And it’s frustrating that I’m just back to square one again.

Lindsey: Well, what I’ll offer is that is absolutely not true. That’s not a thought that needs to be processed, that’s just a thought that you’re having. It sounds like you’re seeing it as like, I’m going to get here, and then I’m going to get over there, and I’m going to get over there and then I’ll never have to deal with this again. I’m past this. And oh wait, we’re back at square one because we are not through this.

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: Imagine one of your kids comes to you and they’re going to do something really big and brave, or they have something like this come up every time they go to do something amazing with their life, like at their next chapter. How would you receive them when they felt that way?

Leilani: Go for it. Go climb the mountain.

Lindsey: Yeah, but when they’re like, gosh, it’s coming up again that I feel like I’m not – I want to be seen, I need to achieve in order to be seen, and they’re upset or feel sad about it.

Leilani: You know, what’s really interesting to that question is, there is reluctancy to give an answer because there’s a part of me – Like I feel like a hypocrite for saying those things. I would say things like, don’t let that stop you. You know that’s just your brain keeping you safe. But then a part of me can’t step into that because I can feel that tension pulling me back. Like don’t say that because you don’t believe it yourself.

Lindsey: Well, I think this actually is telling us a lot. This is totally normal, right? You’re actually trying to offer them what you’re offering yourself, which is like a pep talk to get out of it, instead of like a hug and like, oh, that would feel really hard and scary and uncomfortable.

Leilani: Yeah, that’s exactly it. And it does feel very surface level. Like a pep talk, it just feels very surface level.

Lindsey: Yeah. And really we’re talking about yourself here, it’s like really being with yourself and like, oh man, of course that came up again. That was really hard. You were taught when you were, whatever, right? Like you were taught when you were a kid that you had an order – Trust me, I have the same, probably very different scenario, but same story, right?

Like, that would feel really hard and sad that you think that you have to prove your worth by being extraordinary. Like, of course you think that. Of course that’s coming up again.

Leilani: Let me just say I didn’t think this was where this call was going to go.

Lindsey: Those are my favorite.

Leilani: I guess I don’t know how. Like you’re saying, give yourself a hug, kind of parent yourself. And I just, I don’t know how to allow myself to do that because it always has been like go, go, go, prove yourself. Come on. We don’t have time to keep going –

Lindsey: No wonder why you need relief. Like I just got full body chills. I’m like, that is exhausting.

Leilani: From a very young age I can see this pattern of like, do the next thing, do the next thing. Or if I didn’t do the next thing, just sitting in disappointment and feeling like I failed someone all the time. So wanting to give myself a hug seems weird, unnatural.

Lindsey: Yeah, well, I think it’s like that’s not how you were treated, I would guess, right, based on your experience. And everyone was doing the best they could, right? We’re not arguing any of that. But it’s like you get to be the parent to that version of yourself and this might be a new relationship that you’re building with yourself, right?

And really, it’s a question of, what did that version of me need that she wasn’t getting?

Leilani: Well, to be completely honest, we rarely hugged in my family. I mean, that was just the tip of the iceberg too.

Lindsey: Your brain is probably like, okay, wait a minute. What do we do?

Leilani: Yes.

Lindsey: Which is really the same, that’s the same pattern that’s showing up here, right? Because what’s interesting is I told you I was going to take you in one of two places, and we covered it because I was like you have to trust the reason why you have a block is because you are trying so hard. Like, what if you just quit that? I think that’s what this really is.

I think oftentimes our brains are like, but wait, stopping to give myself compassion and love and look at myself and be like, I am so proud of you and like, of course this is coming up again. And this is really challenging and you are seen and amazing and all of these things, every time it shows up. What that is going to do, I’ll just paint the picture and we can get curious about this with you too.

But you’re going to stop feeling like you need to run from anything. You’re going to stop needing relief, because what’s driving a lot of your actions right now is that energy. Is that like, I need to prove this. Which think about how you show up, how you do things when under all of that, that’s what’s driving it, right?

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: Rather than what’s under the surface is like, I’m doing these things because I want to. And I know you want to help people, of course, right? Like that’s kind of the challenge sometimes, is these two competing things. But what happens is, the less we get the results, the more this part of ourselves flares up even bigger, right?

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: And so it’s like showing up to do the things for your health just because you want to. And showing up to do things in your business just because you want to. And showing up to create a baby just because you want to. Think about how different you’ll float through life being that.

Leilani: Versus I have to do this to prove myself.

Lindsey: Yeah.

Leilani: Yeah. Makes perfect sense.

Lindsey: Yes. This will be a process, so there is no square one. You’re not going back anywhere. What I want to offer, and again, sometimes I’m like, is this useful, is this not? But I think it is in this instance. A thought that I have about myself is like, because I have a similar story, different, but like I have to achieve to be worthy, whatever, noticed, all of that. And my thought is like, that’s probably going to come up for the rest of my life.

Leilani: I think one thing that really keeps me stuck is that when this comes up again, like I said, oh, now I’m back to square one.

Lindsey: Yes, that’s probably the only piece of the equation that’s like the “problem.”

Leilani: Yeah. It’s always like, oh, I’m feeling this again. Then, ugh, I haven’t done any work or I must have not done the work correctly because I’m back to square one. Like, that’s what I was thinking. Like, oh, this is it again? Great, everything that I have worked and done is canceled out.

Lindsey: Such a lie.

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: And it would feel so awful. And if you think about it, like if you think about just a block, how could you not block yourself from what you want, if that’s the thing you – Like essentially you are creating the result of you’re starting over and over and over again and feeling like you’re like Groundhog Day no matter what you do.

Leilani: Yes, and it feels like you’re going crazy because the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again. And that’s what I kept telling myself. Like, how many times am I going to do this before I am crazy, because I keep ending up back in square one. But what if there is no square one?

Lindsey: No. If you really think about it, and again, that’s what helps me, is I’m like our human brains are wired to survive. We learned these things for survival from the time we were children. So how can we not say, sure, we’ll get “better,” we’ll be better at giving ourselves compassion and love when it shows up, rather than just being like giving or being like, come on, get back out there, right?

Leilani: Yeah.

Lindsey: But at every level this is probably going to fire up something inside of me. I’m going to have to be like, of course this is happening. Let it be there, like process that emotion and then keep moving. It’s just a part of me.

Leilani: Yeah, and I think that was my block. My block was believing whenever I had these feelings that I didn’t do enough work or I’m not getting the results. So I mentally go back to square one.

Lindsey: And how smart is your ego? Because all of that plays back into the same story of achievement. Like it’s taken even the work of you evolving and made it about achieving, which is not the point at all.

Leilani: Right, right. I think that was great.

Lindsey: How do you feel?

Leilani: I feel relief knowing that I don’t have to go back to square one.

Lindsey: I bet.

Leilani: Knowing that the work that I have done isn’t canceled out or isn’t deleted or I didn’t do something right. That feels way better when you say to me, like, it’s just part of the journey. This pop-up is just a part of the journey, it’s not a step back. Because that’s what I always thought, I was like, oh, well, I must be doing something wrong if this is popping up again.

Lindsey: And what are you going to do when it pops up again?

Leilani: Okay, I still have a hard time saying this out loud, but just giving myself compassion. It’s really hard to say. Saying it out loud, it has a very weird feeling to it.

Lindsey: Well of course, it’s like a muscle that you’ve barely used right?

Leilani: If I’ve used it at all. So yes, it does feel like it definitely needs work. But I think what was really helpful is just knowing that there’s no square one, and that it’s no setback at all.

Lindsey: So good. And also you’re in the life membership, right? There’s a whole video on self-compassion, so I would definitely refer to that and maybe focus on that work for like the whole month. Your brain is going to be like, how is this useful? But that’s also going to be a piece of it. And that’s also part of what I talk about in that video, is like really showing you how that does connect the dots.

Leilani: Yeah. Thank you, Lindsey.

Lindsey: You’re welcome, Leilani. Thank you for calling in, I’m sure so many people are going to get so much value out of this. I’m so grateful.

Leilani: Thank you so much. You have a great day.

Lindsey: You too. Talk to you soon, bye.

If you want to call in to The Life Coach Hotline, go to https://lindseymango coaching.com/lifecoachhotline. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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