Hi girl, welcome to Soul CEO; a podcast for women who know they’re destined for more. I’m Lindsey Mango and I’m going to show you that you can have it all and teach you how to get it by becoming the CEO of your soul, life, and business. Let’s get started.
Lindsey: Hello, how are you guys? And welcome back to another week and another episode of the Soul CEO podcast. And I’m super excited because this is another edition of the Chris and Lindsey Show. Last week we decided to do three editions of the Chris and Lindsey Show about attracting and creating our dream relationship, about creating a thriving relationship, as well as growing successful businesses.
And I also gave my IG the opportunity to ask some questions, so we’ll be touching on some of that today. And I’m super excited because I know when this episode goes live, it is going to be the week after we get married, which is so fun. And actually, we’re celebrating that of course. It’s why we’re doing this.
So today we are going to jump into our top five tips to creating a thriving relationship. We would also absolutely love your feedback. I love when you guys tag me on Instagram story. I know you guys know my handle, but if you want to tag Chris as well, his Instagram handle is @goodmancoaching and that’s all. I feel like I said that and it sounded like there was more to say.
@goodmancoaching, and please give us your feedback. Let us know what you think. Let us know what you learned from these episodes and let’s dig into it. So top five tips to creating a thriving relationship. Tip number one, do you want to start with it or do you want me to?
Chris: I think this is your baby. I learned this from you.
Lindsey: Okay. So number one is all about taking responsibility for yourself when it comes to a relationship. For me and a lot of my previous relationships and before I really found this personal growth journey, I used to make my significant others responsible for how I felt and responsible for my happiness.
And that was a losing game, I will tell you. Because if you can’t take responsibility and create your own happiness, then someone else is going to have a very hard time making you happy. It’s not possible. So if you’ve found yourself kind of chasing that and waiting on them to feel loved and happy and all of these things, it’s time to really look in the mirror and say how can I take responsibility to create my own happiness? How can I take responsibility to create my own thoughts and perspective?
Because here’s the other thing. You are two humans with different perspectives, with different stories, with different thoughts all happening all at the same time. And we’re going to do things to trigger each other in a relationship and so it’s really important that if you want to create a thriving relationship, take responsibility for how you perceive things and how you perceive what your significant other is doing.
So one of the biggest things that has helped Chris and I create a thriving relationship is owning our own happiness. It’s so much easier to add to each other’s happiness when we’re already taking responsibility for that. So I would love to hear what you have to add on that.
Chris: Well, I want you to tell them about how you say I don’t have any thoughts about it or I don’t make it mean anything.
Lindsey: Well, I think this is the other thing. We’re constantly – because of our stories, because of everything that’s happening in our own minds, we’re typically making things mean something. So your significant other comes home, they’re really exhausted, they had a really long day, they kind of give you a quick kiss and it’s not really about you. But a lot of times we make it mean something about us.
Does he love me? Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong today? Instead of recognizing that they’re having their own human experience, and so something that Chris and I were just talking about before we got on here was this idea that I’m constantly saying – if he’s like hey, how do you feel about this, or he has a perspective on it and I will show up and say I literally have no thoughts about it. It’s totally neutral to me.
And in a way, that really shines the mirror back to him if something like that is happening because then he gets to see that whatever he’s making it mean or whatever his perspective is is his own, that whatever he’s guessing or thinking that I’m thinking isn’t true, and I truly don’t have any thoughts about it.
So again, I just think it’s important to not fake it. If you do have thoughts about it, taking responsibility, doing your own work, looking at why you’re making something mean something, and growing through that. And then showing up and being able to come from a neutral place for your relationship will help you create a thriving relationship.
Chris: Yeah, and I don’t want to make this remedial but I want to back up because that’s kind of like mindset 3.0. And if you’ve never heard this before, I just want to make it clear that everything that’s happening all day long is a neutral event.
I just taught a workshop over the weekend and when I was teaching them this, I threw a huge pin that I had this marker that I was using for a flip chart – threw this huge marker really hard at a guy and he caught it, but he kind of looked at me like, what the hell was that all about, man? I said what’s that mean? What do you make that mean right now?
He’s like, I don’t know, are you mad at me? And the group kind of laughed and I said it doesn’t mean anything. I was just joking around, but you made it mean that I might be mad at you. And so the idea is that – it’s kind of a silly example obviously, but if your significant other does something, you are in control of 100% of what that thing means or doesn’t mean.
And Lindsey’s been from very early on, great about if I do something or say something that would normally trigger her, she takes a second to figure out, what am I making this mean? To the extent that when she says I have no thoughts about it, I have no judgment about it, I don’t make it mean anything, I can trust that she really means that. She’s not just pretending.
Lindsey: Yeah, and I think we all know how that goes sometimes. You’re like, I’m not mad, I’m totally fine. I think it’s obviously really important to be vulnerable about that, but when you are taking responsibility for your own world, there’s also such a beautiful opportunity to be more vulnerable with how you’re feeling because you’re not blaming the other person. You’re saying like, I’m feeling this way, I’m feeling hurt, I’m feeling sad.
And I think sometimes when people hear this or at least when I first heard this, I was like, what does that mean? Because you’re responsible for how you feel that your significant other can just do whatever they want? And that’s really not the case at all.
When you take responsibility for your happiness, when you take responsibility for how you feel, you’re even more powerful in the standards you set because they’re coming from a really clear and aligned place. Not just from something that triggered you. Not just from something that happened in your past that you’re using to project into your future.
You’re just saying hey, I’m not making this mean anything but also, this isn’t okay. And so when you can take responsibility for yourself and your thoughts and your world, I imagine it’s like you’re both giving 100/100 to the table instead of 50/50. And what your significant other is trying to make up for that. Again, that’s kind of a losing battle.
So again, top tip would be take responsibility for how you’re contributing to the relationship and how you’re showing up and how you’re feeling at all times.
Chris: I don’t think there’s anything I could add to that. That’s perfect.
Lindsey: Okay, so number two was actually a question that we got from social media, and somebody was asking how do we encourage and challenge and motivate each other in our relationship?
Chris: Smacks on the butt.
Lindsey: That’s Chris’s resolution to everything. But no, I’m kidding. So I think one of the biggest things when I heard this question and of course, it contributes to us creating a thriving relationship. I think it’s showing up and asking my partner, Chris, who’s here, what he needs from me.
I think sometimes we show up trying to be the motivator when maybe our significant other wants us to just listen and hold space for them. Or maybe he wants me to challenge him when I’m showing up to be the supporter. And so I think a lot of times, women, we like to think men can read our minds, and again, this kind of goes back to the number one thing and taking responsibility.
I’ve realized that in taking responsibility for myself, I also don’t have to keep him guessing. I can say like, if he’s showing up a certain way and I’m looking for something else, I can just say that. I don’t have to make that mean anything that he can’t read my mind.
And so again, I think of course, we’re going to talk about this in the next episode with us together, but us both being coaches, it can be a beautiful thing and also a very messy thing because we have to understand what the other person wants in the moment.
Chris: And who they need in that moment.
Lindsey: Yeah. So again, I think if Chris has a goal or something and he shows up and he’s really disappointed and he just wants his lover and friend to just listen, for him to vent to, if I show up guns blazing like, alright, let’s get in there, let’s fix this, that’s not going to feel very good to him.
So I think for me, it’s understanding what you want yourself out of your partner when you’re coming to the table, whether it’s motivation, challenge, celebration, and also being open to asking your partner what they need and what they want from you. So I’d love your take on that.
Chris: Yeah, I think that’s 100%. Another way to say this is we create space for each other and allow them to decide who they need in that moment. And I’m speaking to all the guys right now that, look, I get it. You want to fix problems. If your woman is complaining about something, it’s almost biologically conditioned in us to this is not really that big of a deal, let’s just solve it.
And it’s a counterintuitive thing to say hang on, who does she need me to be right now? And then to ask, what are you searching for? What do you need? What kind of support are you looking for right here? Do you want me to tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps or do you want me to just love on you or do you want me to solve the problem? What do you want right here?
And not in a sarcastic way. What we were joking about earlier? About the breakup. I want you to want to do the dishes. But I think in terms of creating space for each other, that takes a certain amount of self-confidence to say look, I’ve got this, let’s just take a breath and let’s see what you need.
So encouragement is also almost like just allowing the other person to vent or allowing the other person to – we keep talking about venting, but maybe they actually need your help, and to respond to that in earnest and actually go for it with them. I kind of rambled a little bit.
Lindsey: No, I think that’s amazing. I mean, it’s funny to hear Chris say guys want to fix problems. I mean, that’s what both of us do for a living so I’m like, well, that’s exactly how I feel sometimes. I’m like, I want to jump in there and I want to start coaching Chris.
And you know, there’s obviously grace for that. We’re not perfect. We don’t always show up as what the other person needs in that moment, but again, I think sometimes I might bring something to Chris and he might jump in and start helping me, and I might realize halfway through wait, I don’t need that encouragement right now. I just need a space to complain.
Or I might call him – literally, we were apart for 12 days and sometimes I called him and I’m like hey, I need help. I need your perspective. I would love coaching on this. And I know you guys probably don’t all have coaches for significant others, but still, people can offer perspective. Guys and your significant others want to help.
And so I’m like hey, I don’t need compassion here. I just want some help. I just want some perspective. And so again, I think understanding what you want, what you need, what you’re looking for in that moment and showing up and being open to that with your significant other as well.
Chris: And I want to address the part about – the question about how do we challenge each other because we are a little unique. Our professions are to challenge people, are to see the potential in everybody we come across, and to not be judgmental about where they are and meet them right where they are in that moment.
So it’s a little different for us I guess because when we think about challenging each other, it’s as simple as we don’t buy each other’s excuses and stories and bullshit. And we call each other on their bullshit pretty regularly. And I’ll be the first to say that it’s not comfortable sometimes when the person you see as your best friend, your lover, calls you on your shit and you go oh, well you’re right. But that is in part how we challenge each other to keep growing and keep going together.
Lindsey: And again, I think it’s really important. I think Chris and I have created that. I was just kind of thinking as he said that, your significant other might not be that person for you. I always tell people you have to learn how to use the tools in your toolbox, and sometimes I’m like, okay, as the coach, as someone’s coach, I’m here to be the person to call you on your bullshit, to also encourage you and give you that virtual slap on the butt to get out there and go after it.
And maybe your significant other is there to just love you and appreciate you and let you complain or whatever it is. And so again, I think it’s understanding, making sure that you’re showing up and asking for what you need and also finding what you need.
I don’t expect Chris to be everything for me all the time. I have coaches, I have other people that I rely on for support and encouragement to challenge me, to help me grow because he’s also going to be my husband. He will be my husband when this comes out, and I don’t necessarily want our relationship to be where we’re constantly challenging each other.
I want him to be my safe place, I want him to be my lover first, and then that comes after. So again, I think it’s just understanding hey, what am I looking for out of my relationship and where can I maybe find some of the stuff that I’m not asking for here elsewhere. Do you have any thoughts on that?
Chris: Well, I was just thinking that the only reason that this is possible is because we built a foundation of communication early on in our relationship that we weren’t going to hide the ball from each other, so that if you came in and you were really concerned about X, I could trust that this wasn’t really about Y.
So I think for everybody listening is it’s in 14 minutes maybe a little tough to go into a deep dive about 100% the ways you need to encourage each other. You’re going to have to experiment. And I would suggest looking at how do we strengthen the foundation that we built this on too while you’re at it.
Lindsey: That’s so good. Okay, so number three was another question that we got and it was about how do we deal with growth, growing at different rates and at different speeds in our relationship. And I think again, these are all so interconnected. I’ll start with my perspective.
I think the biggest thing is holding space and understanding that you are both two different people on two different journeys, and recognizing that sometimes there’s no race, but maybe in my growth, I’m a little bit ahead of Chris or that there might be points in our lives where he’s ahead of me in growth.
And so I think one of the biggest things is not having that expectation and forcing that other person to grow because you found your journey and your path to growth on your own. You didn’t want your mom calling you and being like hey, you should really read this article and start doing this thing. You found that path on your own and that’s what made it so transformative.
And so I think the biggest thing when it comes to growing at different rates is holding space for the other person if they’re not maybe where you’re at and loving them anyway, regardless of that. But then I think also there’s an element of speaking up as well.
I’ve heard a lot of stories from Chris and Lori Harder and I think we just heard one about Girl, Wash Your Face, Dave and Rachel Hollis, where at some point, they had a tough conversation with their significant other where they were like, hey, I’ve realized that I’m on a rocket ship. I am growing in massive ways and I love you and I’m really afraid that if I keep growing and you don’t, that we’re going to end up on different planets and this isn’t going to work.
And I think approaching it from that energy of love as well is really, really important if you’re seeing that, if you’re worried about that, instead of from hey, what’s wrong with you? You need to get on this train. What’s your perspective on this?
Chris: Well yeah, I think you kind of went faster at that part of loving them through that. And that does take some courage because you might have to not only hold the space, but you might have to hold all the strength for a little while or a long while. And you’re going to have to decide how important that relationship is to you and how far you’re willing to go to carry that other person for a while.
Because I don’t know any relationship, no matter how much people manage their mind or how great and solid their foundation is or how great their communication is or how deep their love is, I don’t know any relationship that never has to endure one person being stronger than the other.
In other words, we all have to do that sometimes and we make the choice to release judgment in those times. I’m going to say that again. We release judgment in those times, not only for our partner but for ourselves. And that’s a huge realization for me over the last two years I think is to not be judgmental if I’ve got to pick up some slack or if – and this is where most guys would struggle, and I do too.
If you’ve got to pick up some slack for me. Because it’s very easy for a guy to be like, macho and I shouldn’t – listen to my language here. I shouldn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t have to do that. It shouldn’t be this way. And the shoulds come right out of the woodwork, and that’s rooted in what you said earlier.
Managing your expectations because if we find ourselves saying well, my partner should know better or my partner should want to do this, I wish he would just do this, I wish she would just do that, she should know. I want you guys to understand that those expectations are completely manufactured in your own mindset.
Lindsey: Yeah. That’s really good.
Chris: And when I say expectations, I also mean judgments.
Lindsey: And I think that like, Chris and I have both had to do that for each other. I had a much – it’s funny, if you listen to the last episode, he should have had a much more guarded heart than I did. But really, early on in our relationship, I was really guarded. And he had to show up and really hold that space for me. And had he not, I don’t think we would be here today.
And I think we’ve both had to do that for each other and so I think also recognizing what leads me into actually number four of creating a thriving relationship is appreciating the differences of the other person. And so I think a lot of times that that kind of shines through when you’re growing in different ways is recognizing that there’s also a level of appreciation there that you can appreciate why they are the way they are.
Like, I’m super gung-ho. Chris and I joke that I’m like, Yosemite Sam when it comes to business. I’m just like shooting my guns off everywhere and Chris is like a sniper. And we operate very differently, and sometimes I can get frustrated because I’m like, come on, just shoot the damn gun.
We’re obviously not talking about guns here, but then I appreciate the other piece of that, which is he’s so present and he just enjoys life and has so much joy and isn’t constantly chasing the next goal. And that is also something I really love about him.
So again, I kind of bridge the gap there, but I think it kind of leads me into how to create the number four reason of how we’ve created a thriving relationship is appreciating our differences. And again, I think in the growing process, those differences could either have the perspective of why aren’t they where I am or you could look at the differences that you really appreciate about them and why they are maybe where they are and that part of their journey. So that’s kind of my take on appreciating differences. I would love your take on it.
Chris: Well, I think it’s going to make you feel much more fulfilled to start appreciating your lover in new ways. Instead of the classic saying from Tony Robbins, where your focus goes, your energy flows. If you are constantly focused on your lover’s shortcomings, their weak spots, the things they could do better, of course you’re going to feel terrible. Of course, your relationship is going to suffer.
And I’m not saying have rose-colored glasses and just do some positive self-talk and ignore everything that’s wrong with them. I don’t mean that. But I mean like Lindsey said, genuinely appreciating that they may have strengths in areas that are tremendously weak inside yourself.
Lindsey’s right. I’m notoriously present to the extent that today even, I haven’t put anything on social media in probably the last maybe almost day and a half because I’m so happy to be home after almost three weeks on the road that I just wanted to be here and be with Lindsey and be with the dog and really relish my soft bed.
But at times, I’m so present that I’m not thinking about what needs to be done next. And Lindsey’s already on step 97 of what needs to be done next and so we joke about these things, and that’s the thing is I mean, we appreciate them in a light of positivity and opportunity for each other, which changes the conversation entirely.
Lindsey: Yeah, I love that. And I was just thinking about how I think that’s what Chris has really taught me is unconditional love is also loving people, loving him for the things that in my mind, he could be or should be that he’s not necessarily. And what I mean by that is understanding that you attracted this person for a reason and that the things that make them different is what makes your relationship unique.
If you were just with somebody just like you, imagine sometimes what a mess that could be. And so that kind of helps me because sometimes, you know, in my mind I think that Chris could have a moment where he’s like man, why can’t Lindsey be a regular woman where she just is…
Chris: What the hell is a regular woman?
Lindsey: I don’t know, but like, I just have thought he could be focused on why can’t Lindsey just calm down and cook dinner every night and just be that woman.
Chris: 1950s housewife?
Lindsey: He could have that thought and maybe he never has, but I just think the strengths and the things that he loves about me could also be my greatest weaknesses at some point. I think you can always choose to have the perspective of I appreciate this instead of I’m frustrated with this.
Chris: Yeah, I think we could say learning to accept your partner and appreciate them for who they are because you’re not fucking perfect either.
Lindsey: That is true, and I’m sorry if your kids are in the car. I’m just kidding. Okay, number five. The last tip that we have for creating a thriving relationship is one of Chris’s favorite quotes I think is out beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing, there’s a field. I’ll meet you there. And I would love for you to expand on that first because you kind of introduced me to that concept.
Chris: The key word there is beyond. Out beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing, there’s a field. I’ll meet you there. We had so many opportunities when we first started dating to get caught up in our past – I was going to say trauma, but really is drama.
Me worrying about is she going to hurt me just like another woman did, or her thinking is I don’t even know all kinds of drama that runs through her mind. But being able choosing to step into a place of neutrality with and for each other.
And guys, I want to be clear. Not guys. Everyone listening. This might require a new level of courage for you to take the conversation, to take everything to a place beyond rightdoing, wrongdoing, into complete neutrality and say let’s just see what’s happening here. Let’s just explore this, let’s be curious, let me appreciate what’s going on with you first and then decide what I make that mean.
And that can be a completely different frame for how you move through that than you’re used to. And we have worked on this actively, purposefully, presently for years now.
Lindsey: That’s kind of crazy to think about. I think it’s kind of funny that we’re ending with this one because Chris said that I have really taught him the piece of responsibility, and I think Chris really taught me this.
I love to be right, just like the next person, but when you have somebody who’s showing up not attached to being right and just open and communicating, it opens up your mind – you’re like, stomping your feet in the Target aisle while your significant other is standing there just holding space for you. So again, I think these are all things you can implement in your own life. Not relying on your significant other to try to be right or…
Chris: I think we need to tell them the story about how this quote really comes into play to bring it home. Because it’s one thing to talk about it conceptually, it’s a different one when it’s real. So let me tell you the story real quick.
The first time I ever told Lindsey I loved her, we almost broke up. And not in that order actually. She was deep in fear and really worried that I was not the type of guy that she had traditionally dated, which is to say a tall guy, carved out of granite, right?
I’m not a tall guy and I’m fit but I’m definitely not carved out of granite. And you got to appreciate where she was coming from at that time, which is years ago now. College athlete and a set of expectations around fitness and everything that I did not grow up with and I had no real awareness of.
And this was what she was fearful about, and who am I to judge her and say this is silly, right? Who am I to say your fear is rooted in something arbitrary? That’s not for me to decide. This was very real to her. So when the quote says or when Rumi says out beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing there’s a field, I’ll meet you there, this was my attempt to take the conversation out past my own fear of shit, the last thing I wanted to do was break up.
I knew we were going to get married at that point and this was years ago. And here she is saying I don’t know if I can do this because I’m worried and…
Lindsey: You don’t fit in my little box that I thought you were going to fit in.
Chris: Right. And don’t get me wrong, it made me want to throw up when she told me that. It’s like somebody telling you to your face you might not be good enough for me is one way I could have interpreted that.
So here’s what I did differently instead, and for anybody listening, especially if you don’t know me, I’m not bragging here. This is on the heels of years of mindset work that I’m able to do this kind of stuff. But instead, I just put the whole conversation in neutral. I took us out to the third field and I said okay, and I sat with it for a minute and I thought I might kick her out of my house, I might get mad, I might do this.
And I went with the last one, which was I said well, this really sucks because I’m in love with you. Just flopped out on the floor like a dead fish. Just oh man, what? You remember that moment?
Lindsey: Yeah. I mean, I’ll never forget it. It was the most transformative experience of our relationship because it also required for me to even say a lot of vulnerability. I had a lot of my self-judgment around it and so it was like, probably one of the most vulnerable moments I ever had ever in a relationship and with him.
And the fact that I judged myself so hard for saying that and I just was mad at myself for thinking that, the fact that I looked at this man and he – instead of being afraid and being like, you’re an asshole, which is what I thought could happen, he just told me how he really felt. And it really blew me away and I told him I loved him too and that I wanted to work past it.
And then I realized it was just an old programming, an old story that I had had that really wasn’t important to me. But yeah, I mean, that was a doorway to a new level in our relationship and I think that’s also something important to add here and I coach some of my clients on this, a lot of times we think these vulnerable conversations or these tough conversations, or these tough moments, I think sometimes people fear that these are the end. This is the end. This is more proof that this isn’t the relationship for me or this is over instead of seeing it as a doorway to a new level.
And I think for us, that was a doorway and I think Chris really taught me that. I used to think like oh my gosh, something’s gone wrong, this must mean we’re not perfect together or whatever, instead of him showing up in total neutrality and being like, okay cool, this is a door of vulnerability, this is a door of opportunity to grow our relationship and that really transformed the way that I just saw everything and helped us get out to the field.
Chris: And somebody had to open the door. That’s what I’m saying is you might have to be the one to go first. There’s a book, if you’re listening to this clearly you’re into self-help in some way, shape, or form. There’s a book I love, always in my top three most recommended books called Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott.
And in Fierce Conversations – actually, I think that’s where the quote from Rumi actually came from. That’s the first place I saw it. But anyway, one of her rules in Fierce Conversations is go first. If there’s something heavy on your heart, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to draw it out of you like a poison. It’s your responsibility to be courageous and bold enough to go first.
And that’s what I had to do in that moment with Lindsey. I knew I had to do it because the only other alternative was let the relationship deteriorate over something silly and let her stay trapped in fear and never tell her how I really felt, and potentially cost myself my – what is now going to be our marriage over that. And instead, I had to just make the choice, go first.
Lindsey: I love that. I’m glad we shared that. So that’s all we have today. Top five things to create a thriving relationship. Yeah, thank you guys for those questions and we will finish up our Chris and Lindsey Show next week. I love you guys and I hope you have a beautiful week and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
Thank you for tuning into today’s episode of Soul CEO. If you are ready to take this work deeper and you want to bring your dream business or a reality, I wanted to make sure that you knew that Mango Magic Business Academy was available to you. Head to lindseymangocoaching.com/mangomagic.
Or if you don’t have a business and you are ready to bring your dream life to a reality and know you are meant for more, my Mango Magic Life School is also available. Go to lindseymangocoaching.com/mangomagiclifeschool for all the details. These programs are both life and business changing and you get access and coaching with me to walk through the modules and ask questions and get support to make your dream life or your dream business, or both a reality. I love you. I can’t wait to see you in there.