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Ep #108: The Unintended Consequences of “I’m Fine” with Rebecca Howe

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I’m welcoming another mastermind student to the show to share their favorite concept that they’ve learned during our work together. These students have created $40K to $100K businesses doing work they love while creating the life they really want.

I specifically chose these students because they started in Anything But Average, signed their first clients, have risen to mastermind level, and are now creating the business they set out to create from the start. So this week, Rebecca Howe is taking the mic and showing you how your thoughts always end up in your results.

Listen in this week as Rebecca shares some of the thoughts preventing you from creating the results you want. Hear how playing small could be keeping others from getting valuable insight from your coaching and the problem with putting other people’s needs above your own. If you are a people-pleaser, empath, or playing small to keep others comfortable, you need to listen to this episode.

 

Anything but Average has now closed for enrolment, but doors will reopen on July, 6th. If you want to join the next round, click here and join the waitlist, where you’ll get access to some amazing resources.

The Anything but Average Coach Mastermind is now closed for enrolment. If you want to be in the fall class, make sure to mark your calendars for August 31st.

What You'll Learn on this Episode

  • The problem with playing small and not showing up as your full self.
  • How Rebecca learned to better coach her clients and be a better person to her loved ones.
  • Why you might be in the pattern of putting your needs last, and how to change it.
  • How your thoughts always end up in your results.
  • Why you need to stop putting other people’s needs above your own.
  • Some of the ways Rebecca sees her clients playing small.

Featured on the Show

  • If you are ready to take this work deeper and make your dream coaching business a reality, join my Anything but Average program.
  • Join me on Instagram and tag me in all your Anything but Average aha! moments!
  • Rebecca Howe: Website | Instagram
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE

Click to Read Episode Transcript

Anything But Average is officially closed for enrollment and will reopen on July 6th. If you want to join the next round of Anything But Average, go to lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage and join the wait list.

On the wait list you will receive a step by step process on how to start saving for the investment so when enrollment reopens you are ready to join. You will also get a bonus of how to start preparing for your coaching business and how to start preparing for the program so that when you join you can hit the ground running as soon as you enroll.

You’ll also get sneak peek access into the program, into the live coaching sessions, into the portal, and exactly what you get in the portal as well as the results people are creating every 30 days. Again, go to lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage and I will see you on the inside.

Welcome to the Anything But Average podcast where I will teach you how to create a coaching business one step at a time. I’m Lindsey Mango, a life coach passionate about helping you create the life of your wildest dreams by creating a coaching business. Let’s get started.

Hello, and welcome back to another week and another episode of Anything But Average. Over the next six podcast episodes you are going to be hearing from six different mastermind students who are going to teach you their favorite concept that they have learned in our work together. These mastermind students have created $40,000 businesses, $100,000 businesses doing work that they love while creating the life that they really want.

I specifically chose these six mastermind students because they started in Anything But Average or my old variation of the program, which was called Mango Magic, where they got started in their coaching business, signed their first few clients, and have risen up from that level to the mastermind level where they are really creating the full-time coaching business, 100K business that they set out to create from the beginning.

I wanted their unique perspective because they started at the ground up in our work together and I wanted them to teach you a concept that helped them at that point in their business. So without further ado I’d like to introduce my mastermind students to you, and their individual podcast episode on one of their favorite concepts that we’ve worked on together.

Welcome to the Anything But Average podcast. I’m Rebecca Howe of Rebecca Howe Coaching. Today we’re going to talk about how your thoughts always end up in your results. And not just your thoughts in business, but the thoughts you have about other people show up in your results with those other people. For my empaths, my people pleasers, and all of you who play small to keep others comfortable, you are not alone. This episode is for you.

As coaches we want to help serve people but most of us hold back because we don’t want to upset someone else. Some of the most common ways I see this show up in the mastermind, in the ABA group, and with my clients is not asking for coaching or support because you don’t want to take up valuable time or resources. You’re afraid that it will take away from others.

This can look like not celebrating, not recognizing your success, or downplaying it because you’re afraid it will trigger or upset someone else. More generally it looks like the thought, I’m worried about making other people feel bad. I’m afraid of accidentally hurting someone. I don’t want to trigger them. I don’t want to be inconvenient. I don’t want to be a burden or take up space.

Here’s the thing, all of these thoughts then show up in those other people’s experiences. The first time I realized this was when I heard someone in a group get coaching on making other people feel bad with her success. She was nervous to share her results because she felt like her success or happiness would hurt other people. She was thinking it’s unfair that I’m not struggling if other people are, so she downplayed her life.

The irony was she was the person in the group I compared myself to most. Every time she celebrated her results or mentioned not being good enough, I felt even worse about my own. In other words, her thoughts were showing up as my results. The people who triggered me with their success, instead of inspiring me with their wins, were the same ones who needed coaching because they were worried they would trigger someone.

Putting this into the model it’s even clearer, especially when we dig a little deeper. When you think, I don’t want to make other people feel bad by sharing my success. You’re also thinking that success makes some people better than others. If they don’t have the same success, you’re worried that they’ll think that you think that you’re better than them. You also don’t see how you created your success, and therefore anyone else could do the same. So you’re not seeing that this is available to them too.

You end up feeling insecure, weary, anxious, even avoidant, or self-conscious, and unworthy. And you avoid sharing as an example of what is possible for others. Instead, when you do share, it comes out with your own value attached to it. Others feel that you value success in a way that is tied to your value as a person. And then they compare themselves based on that, and they feel bad. Or you show up believing their story that it’s not possible, instead of being an example of how it is possible. They feel that disbelief instead of possibility, and it makes them feel bad.

To see this play out differently one of Lindsey’s superpowers is that she so deeply believes that our thoughts create our results, and therefore she is certain results are available to anyone. She shows up feeling confident in everyone’s success. And the result is that people feel inspired by her success, because they are confident in their own ability to achieve it. That is why you’re following her and listening to this podcast.

Another way this might be showing up for you or your clients is the thought, I’m not going to ask for coaching because I don’t want to take valuable time away from others, my growth isn’t as important as theirs. This makes you feel inferior, inadequate, and guarded. And when you’re guarded, you’re less receptive to coaching. You don’t bring your juiciest struggles. You don’t ask for coaching on the big things and you don’t speak up.

When you do speak up. It’s about something small and quick and you don’t show up authentically and vulnerably. The coaching you get will be more surface level and you will get less of a transformation. Ultimately, you’re still taking up space and using resources.

In a group container others won’t get to hear your true experience and growth. Your experience will often articulate and frame things in a way that provides them with important growth because they hear your vulnerable and articulate thoughts. So you end up taking the resources anyway, getting less growth for yourself and hindering others opportunity for growth in the process.

This even shows up in team meetings when you don’t ask for clarification about a timeline or resources on a project. Your teammate may not realize the deadlines conflict, or that two people are working separately when they could do half as much work by joining forces. Yes, your question may be inconvenient in the moment and it will take up time to review, but it’s far more inconvenient for your team to miss their deadline or to feel that they’ve been wasting time with redundancies all week.

So I’m a health coach and I would be remiss not to mention how this shows up in our health. The thought, “I should put other people’s needs before my own” almost always impacts our health. When we think I shouldn’t ask for what I need because it will inconvenience or burden others, we don’t take care of ourselves.

We may feel like we’re being altruistic or that we’re avoiding feeling vulnerable, but we put off our own physical needs to accommodate others with what we eat, when we rest, we will even take care of others emotional needs before our own.

This leaves us tired, emotionally unregulated, or over time burned out. When we do this, one of three things happens to inconvenience and burden the people around us, we take it out on someone else directly creating discomfort, hardship, or anxiety for them. We’ve all accidentally snapped at someone because we were hangry.

This also can show up subtly where we inconvenience or burden others by not showing up as our best. Our work will suffer, we’re less able to accommodate because we have less bandwidth, or we just give off that heavier energy that requires others to buoy us up. Think of the days when one person walks into the office looking and feeling like Eeyore and everyone else becomes extra enthusiastic to make up for it.

Now most significantly and sneakily, over time putting our own needs second to others will build up until we crash. We explode or the stress becomes all-encompassing and creates a much bigger inconvenience or burden to those around us. For example, physically, we may get really sick, sometimes to the point that we can’t uphold important or even basic responsibilities.

Emotionally, our stress can become all-encompassing and spill into our relationships without us even realizing it. This means that when you think I don’t want to take up space or burden someone with your needs, your energy will end up taking up space and burdening them anyway.

This is even more intense for empaths. No, I didn’t forget about you. As an empath you feel everything, including those around you. As an extreme example, if someone around you is having a panic attack, you’ve probably felt it as a result of them not taking care of themselves. Whether that was a full wave of anxiety, a slight emotional dysregulation, or a physical sensation like a pit in your stomach.

The irony is that many of us as empaths will dismiss our own experience because we don’t want to upset those around us. But we are processing more than most, including someone else’s experience even if they haven’t shared it. So when we, as empaths, don’t take the time we need to process because we are worried that it will impose on others, we are still imposing on any empath close to us who will feel it anyway.

And it’s not just empaths, if you are a parent I want to offer that when you put aside your own needs to take care of your kids or disregard your own emotional work because they come first, whatever you are dealing with will affect them. More than anything, they need you to be your best and entirely human self, even if that means seeing you move through something challenging. Your example will help them grow far more than denying that something is going on and having those effects unintentionally spill into their lives.

On a lighter note, I have a fun example for you. Think of the nights when you call a friend to ask what they are wearing out. You already have an outfit in mind. But you don’t want to be overdressed or outshine the people you’re with. You don’t want them to feel insecure. So instead you wear something a little less. The tradeoff is you feel a little less confident.

At its worst you go out and your own insecurity shows up. Does this look okay? We’ve all been there. This shows up in two ways, your outfit is missing the key component, confidence, so nothing looks quite as good. And it’s possible other people won’t even know why they’re being judgmental towards you.

Additionally, when you’re with someone who is feeling insecure, it will spill over. You will second guess your own outfit. You’ll wonder how you look, you will be insecure. You dressing down so others don’t feel insecure is creating more insecurity for everyone.

If we played this out in the opposite way, when you’re in a group where everyone is wearing whatever they feel best in and having the thought, “I look amazing,” no one cares what anyone else is wearing. And you’re all magnetic to the room, your thoughts about yourself are showing up in everyone else’s results. You look amazing.

For me, understanding this concept meant showing up authentically in the mastermind. It meant asking for coaching when it was uncomfortable. It meant taking the space I needed to process so I could better coach my clients and be a better person to my loved ones. It meant taking care of my health unapologetically so I had the energy to love my life and run my business.

So what does this mean for you? If you know that your thoughts will end up in their results, consider the impact you’re having on others when you’re trying to protect them or lessen your impact on them. If you’re thinking, “I only have beginner coaching problems, I don’t want to waste other people’s time. I’ll ask for coaching once I figure it out and I’m further along.” Those are the thoughts that are keeping you from getting the coaching that will create the results you want.

And it’s keeping others from getting valuable insight from your coaching. Insight that could be exactly what they need to stop wasting time. So ask for coaching. Or if you haven’t joined ABA, join. There is someone who needs to hear your thoughts in the group. And there is a future client who is wasting their time waiting for you to show up as their coach.

Given that there is a possibility you will inconvenience, burden, or trigger someone either way, what do you want? What do you need? How can you prioritize that? Do you need to start your coaching business? Maybe you’re thinking, “I don’t want to burden my family by trying something new.” So you’re staying at the job, the one that asks you to push through even when you don’t feel well. The job that makes you feel like your needs are inconvenient. A job that burns you out.

And so you stay in the pattern of putting your needs last. You get sick easily. You’re stressed. You struggle to show up as your most vibrant self. Who feels that most? Your family. By choosing to become a coach, how could you change that? What thought could you have that would start to show up for them? Maybe it’s I want a life of possibilities. Could that create possibilities for them? Could that be the catalyst for your children pursuing a career that they never thought was possible?

Think of that impact on the world. Who knows, maybe they could be part of the team that cures some horrible disease. By honoring yourself before what if this imposes on someone else, you’re choosing the impact you have. You not only support your own needs, but you give others permission to do the same. And you do what no one else can. You make sure that your needs are met, so you can show up as your most vibrant self.

Whatever inconvenience or imposition that creates is likely much better than any unintended consequence or repercussions that could have been more hurtful. So if you’re thinking wow, so and so really needs to hear this, please share this podcast and tag Lindsey at lindseymango_ on Instagram.

And if you’re interested in learning more about me or you just want to say hi, you can find me at rebeccahowecoaching.com or at Rebecca Howe Coaching on Instagram. I love this work, but most of all I love the humans who love this work. I cannot wait to connect and I hope you have a wonderful week.

If you’re ready to take this work deeper and create your own coaching business, join us in Anything But Average where I will walk you through the step by step process to become a coach, start your coaching business, and start signing clients. Go to lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage and I will see you on the inside.

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