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Ep #91: Result Attachment

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Setting big goals, especially early on in my business, used to be a complete nightmare. It felt like constant pressure and stress and a need for validation at every turn, so it’s no surprise that I was exhausted round the clock, and I wasn’t actually getting closer to my goals.

This pattern is something I see often in my work. It’s what holds so many coaches back from creating a business they love, and it’s all because of result attachment. It has you questioning whether you’re cut out for the outcome you want and your capabilities as a coach, so today, I’m showing you how to solve for it.

Listen in to discover how result attachment might be showing up for you in your business right now, and why it’s such a harmful habit. I’m showing you the vicious cycle you can get caught up in if you don’t begin questioning it, and why not setting goals isn’t the answer. 

If you want to know how to launch your coaching business in just three days, you have to register for my Three Days to Launch training. This is a three-day event taking place from January 3rd to the 5th, and registration opens Monday, December 27th, so stay tuned for more details on how to sign up!

Anything but Average is opening for enrollment from January 5th to the 11th! If you want to become a great coach, start your coaching business, and sign clients, make sure to click here and join the waitlist to be put on an exclusive email list where you’ll get sneak peeks inside the program before it reopens!

The next round of the Anything but Average Coach Mastermind opens on February 23rd for the spring of 2022 class! If you missed out on this current round, make sure to mark your calendars so you don’t miss out!

What You'll Learn on this Episode

  • What attachment often looks like in a coaching business. 
  • Why being attached to your goal holds you back.
  • How to know if you’re attached to your results in your business. 
  • What causes you to feel attached to your goals. 
  • How to solve for result attachment. 

Featured on the Show

  • If you are ready to take this work deeper and make your dream coaching business a reality, join my Anything but Average program.
  • Join me on Instagram and tag me in all your Anything but Average aha! moments!
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE

Click to Read Episode Transcript

Welcome to the Anything But Average podcast where I will teach you how to create a coaching business one step at a time. I’m Lindsey Mango, a life coach passionate about helping you create the life of your wildest dreams by creating a coaching business. Let’s get started.

Hello and welcome back to another week and another episode of Anything But Average. Guys, how are you? I hope you are having a beautiful week. I realized as I was prepping for today’s episode that I wished you guys a happy holidays and Merry Christmas a little early. I’m sure you didn’t notice.

But I’m actually recording all these episodes way far in advance, like last week’s episode was recorded in October. And at some point I got a little discombobulated on what week I was recording for. So now we’re getting closer to Christmas and the holidays, so Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

And I gave you guys some details about a free training a little bit early, but we are all good, we’re just going to roll with it. So before we dive into today’s episode, I just want to give you guys that update again.

On Monday, the 27th of December, after the holidays have passed, Three Days to Launch, an exclusive training that I only do twice a year opens up for enrollment. You can sign up, it’s not a paid training. It’s a free training where I walk you through exactly step by step what to do to launch your business in three days.

That training will take place from January 3rd to January 5th. So just be prepared, make sure you’re following me on social media, get on my email list. This is where you’re going to get the notification and the link to join. And then next week you will get the link to join on the podcast episode and in the show notes.

The last update is that Anything But Average, my program that teaches you how to become a great coach, launch your business, and sign clients opens back up for enrollment January 5th to the 11th, so make sure to mark your calendar. Go to lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage and join the wait list if you know you want to join the program.

This wait list is going to offer you sneak peeks into the program, inside looks into the live coaching and what it actually looks like. You get a five minute clip of our coaching session, you get to see inside the portal, some tips and how to get prepared so that you can hit the ground running once you enroll. So make sure to join that list at lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage. That’s also where the details for the program are.

All right, let’s jump in. I could tell you guys, I am at 21 weeks when I’m recording this, by the time it comes out I think I’m going to be close to my third trimester. And I feel like, I’m going to take a deep breath, I feel like I’m running out of air a little bit. And I know that as the baby continues to take up more space I might be out of breath a little bit more. Whew.

All right, let’s jump in. So today what I wanted to talk about is attachment. What it means, what it looks like. And when I say attachment, I mean being attached to a specific goal or outcome. This is a word that gets thrown around in the personal growth world. If you’re unfamiliar with it, don’t worry, we’re going to talk about it today and how it shows up and what it looks like and how to solve for it.

But essentially, what I want to talk about is being attached to your goal or your results, and how that’s holding you back, and how to change it. So I actually looked at the definition of what attachment means in the dictionary, in the virtual dictionary. The definition was a feeling that binds one person to a thing, cause, idea, or outcome. I’m going to say that again. So a feeling, attachment is the feeling that binds a person to a thing, a cause, idea, or an outcome.

How I define it is, or how I describe it is when you have an idea of how something should happen, what it should look like. And ultimately, when it doesn’t, something’s gone wrong and that means something about you. Meaning, let’s just say, I’m going to go into some examples on this episode.

But let’s just say you set a goal for yourself to sign five clients by a certain date. Attachment looks like if you don’t hit that goal, and this doesn’t mean by the time you get to the goal, this means ahead of time your brain is saying, “If you don’t get five clients, that means you’re not cut out to be a coach. You’re not good enough. You should have moved faster. There’s something wrong with what you’re doing.”

So that’s what it kind of looks like in a coaching business. The problem with attachment is it puts you in absolutes, meaning it’s like all or nothing. Meaning I either hit the goal and that means this about me, my capability, my business, me as a human, or it doesn’t. Meaning I either hit the goal and I get to feel this way, or I don’t and I don’t get to feel this way.

Now, here’s what it looks like to be attached to your goal or outcome, or here’s how it could be showing up for you. You’re going to know you’re attached to your goal or outcome when going after the goal becomes very stressful, you feel tons of pressure, there’s lots of anxiety.

I think of it almost like going after a goal when you set a goal feels hellish. And sometimes you get to this point where you’re like, “I don’t even want to set a goal because I know what I do to myself.” And I’m speaking from personal experience, this is how I used to treat goals. I was very attached to what they meant about me and whether I hit them or not, and how it should or shouldn’t look. And so every time I set a goal, it was like a nightmare. I felt tons of pressure.

So for you guys to start bringing awareness around this, if you set a goal or you have an outcome in mind and you start to feel that pressure building or that stress around it, you’re likely attached to the goal. Now, what’s actually causing this? And this is where the real awareness and growth is going to happen. What causes you to be attached to a goal, and I spent a lot of time thinking about this. And this is gold, so write it down, take note, you’re going to come back to this episode.

But what causes us to be attached to a goal is that we are relying on the goal or outcome to prove something about ourselves, or to provide a feeling that we want. Which means if we don’t hit the goal, then we don’t get to feel a certain way or we don’t get to believe something about ourselves.

Do you guys see how that could be showing up and why that could be harmful? Here’s why this is harmful, here’s why this will hold you back. In order to create a goal or an outcome, specific result, you have to believe that you are the person to hit that goal ahead of time. You have to feel the feelings you would have hitting that goal ahead of time.

So if you are attached and you’re waiting on the goal in order to feel a certain way, in order to believe certain things about yourself, guess what you’re not doing. Feeling and believing the things you need to in order to hit that goal.

What it does is it puts you in this vicious cycle where say, for example, you want to believe you are one of the best coaches in the industry. Or you’re one of the fastest growing coaches in the industry. And you’re waiting on hitting six figures in your first year in order to prove that. The whole year, you’re not believing you are a coach who hits six figures, you’re not showing up.

This isn’t about like faking it or lying to yourself, but it’s about creating the feelings and the beliefs you need to have about yourself ahead of time. You don’t need to hit the goal for validation, for you to believe the things that you need to about yourself. You don’t need to hit the goal to feel the way you do, the way you want to.

In order to create the outcome, in order to hit the goal, you have to be able to create it ahead of time. This is what holds so many people back. And here’s what it does, is it creates this vicious cycle of you putting your power outside of you and relying on a circumstance to believe something. And you just keep waiting.

You keep waiting to accomplish the goal, to believe something about yourself. Then because you don’t believe it about yourself, you don’t hit the goal and then the cycle continues. And that’s why it’s hellish. That’s why it feels awful to be attached to your outcome or goal. Because you’re like, “I don’t get to feel freedom until I do this thing. I don’t get to feel like a badass or like a real coach or like a success until I have this outcome.”

Of course you feel pressure to hit that because you have to spend the whole time feeling another way, like feeling the opposite. Feeling like you’re not good enough, feeling like you’re not successful until you get the outcome. You guys see where I’m going with this?

I want to give you guys a couple of examples of what this looks like. I’m going to do one relationship example because I think that can make it pretty clear cut and then I’m going to use a business example, like a coaching business example. And then we’re going to talk about how to actually solve for this.

And I will tell you guys this is one of the biggest things I have to point out in my students in Anything But Average and in my mastermind students, is when they’re attached to the goal and questioning it and digging in and figuring out why. And helping them bridge that gap so they can actually create the goal, have fun while they’re creating the goal instead of having a hellish business.

Because what it does is, if you’re always waiting on a goal to feel the way that you want, you’re always waiting on a goal to feel the way that you want. Which means you’re always going to be setting new goals in your life and business. And for the moment that you maybe do hit the goal, you feel good, but then you have another goal. And now you feel hellish the whole way there.

We’re not here to create coaching businesses and have a hellish life and feel pressure all of the time. We’re here to create coaching businesses that feel authentic to us and live amazing lives while we’re doing it. You cannot do that if you are attached to the outcome. I forget if I bridged the gap, there was something I said before that. But what I was going to say was here are some examples of what it looks like.

An example of being attached in a relationship example would be if you go out on a date with someone and your thought process is, “If this person doesn’t love me or if this person isn’t into me, then I’m not good enough.” I want you guys to really sit with that.

How would you show up? And trust me, that’s how I used to think. But how would you show up if your thought process on a date is unless this person likes me, and shows interest in me, then I’m not good enough? You’re going to show up needy. You’re going to show up from pressure. You’re going to show up trying to prove yourself to them.

Do you know what outcome you’ll create? It’s them not liking you. And not because you’re not freaking amazing, but only because you have this thought that I’m not good enough unless they validate me.

Same thing with a business goal. Same thing with starting your coaching business. Let’s just say you say, “I’m going to start this coaching business. And if I sign my first client by my second month, then I’m cut out for this. And if I don’t, then I’m not.”

What will happen? You’ll spend those first two months worrying about the fact whether you’re going to sign a client or not. Knowing that you’re going to quit on your dream if you sign that client or not. Waiting to feel like you’re a real business owner and a real coach until you sign that client.

Do you know what coaches who sign clients, what they believe about themselves? They believe their coaches, they believe they own a business. They’re in it and committed for the long haul until they get the result that they want. Not relying on clients signing so that they can feel validated.

That is how attachment shows up. That’s what will keep you from hitting your goals. That’s what will make your life a living hell while you start your coaching business, while you build your coaching business.

Now, I’m going to talk about how to solve this. But before I do that, I want to talk about how most of you try to solve this. Most of you attempt solving this problem by not setting goals. You get to a point where you’re like, “It is so painful to set a goal. My life turns into a living hell when I set a goal, so I’m just not going to do it.” And when you don’t set a goal, you don’t set yourself up for growth.

Goals are for growth, period, that’s it. They’re not for hitting them and making it mean that you are a great coach or not. They’re not for validating you. They are for your growth. They’re to work towards and figure out what shows up, what’s keeping you from them and growing past them.

And whether you hit the goal in the timeline or not, that doesn’t matter because you grew the whole time, which means that you’re inevitably going to hit that goal. Now we figure out in the program, we figure out why you weren’t hitting the goal or all of that so that you can hit the goals in the timeline you set.

But what most of you do is you’re like, “I’m just not going to set goals. Goals don’t work for me, they don’t feel good.” No, the only reason they don’t feel good is because of what you do to yourself when you set a goal. It’s because of the attachment you have to hitting the goal.

Now, how do you actually solve for this? Or some of you keep setting goals, which is what I did for years. And you wake up in the morning and all you think about it as your business because you’re so attached to the outcome happening and what it means about you that you can’t possibly think about anything else, which is great fun.

So how do you actually solve for this? You solve for this by learning how to create the feelings you want, no matter what. No matter what outcome you get. You solve for this by creating the beliefs about yourself that you need to have and want to have regardless of the outcome. Then the outcome doesn’t mean something about you. Then the outcome is just a manifestation or a result you create by being that person ahead of time.

This is one of the biggest things that’s impacted my journey and where I am right now. I don’t believe anymore that helping more people, making more money, hitting some milestone is going to make my life better. And I know that might sound crazy, but I know it’s going to add to the happiness I already have but I don’t rely on it to create my happiness.

I believe I am capable and fully in control and charge of the happiness I feel, how much of a badass I believe I am, how proud I am of myself, no matter the outcome. And because of that, I get to enjoy the journey so much more. And I create much better results. I will hit my goals 10 times faster.

So you have to figure out why am I attached to this goal when you feel that pressure showing up. You have to figure out how to create the feelings and the beliefs you need to have about yourself that don’t rely on the goal. Then you get to show up for your goal for your growth, have fun with it. And that’s what will create the outcome.

This is what we do in Anything But Average. This is why we have coaching in the program. So that as you’re implementing the process, and setting goals for yourself, and working towards them, when you’re making your life a living hell and you’re putting pressure on yourself or you’re not setting goals at all, we coach on why.

I teach you how to believe the things you need to believe about yourself ahead of time in order to create the outcomes you want. I teach you how to feel the way you want to feel no matter what. That is 100% responsibility, that is the most empowering gift you can ever give to yourself and that’s how you create the life you really want. That’s how you create the coaching business you really want.

So most of us only know how to set goals from being attached. I want to teach you how to set goals for your growth without attachment. That’s where the magic happens.

If you’re ready to do that, get on the wait list for Anything But Average, again, lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage. Enrollment opens again on January 5th. Make sure to come to the three day free training, Three Days To Launch. Stay tuned on that. I hope you guys have an amazing holiday and I will talk to you next week. Bye.

If you’re ready to take this work deeper and create your own coaching business, join us in Anything But Average where I will walk you through the step by step process to become a coach, start your coaching business, and start signing clients. Go to lindseymangocoaching.com/anythingbutaverage and I will see you on the inside.

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